Trust and Betrayal by John Gottman
The Science of Trust
It turns out that trust is related to the secretion of oxytocin, which is the “cuddle hormone,” the hormone of bonding. Interestingly enough, men don’t just secrete oxytocin, they secrete vasopressin as well. Vasopressin is a hormone associated with aggression. So there is evidence that the bonding experience with somebody—secreting oxytocin, the trust hormone—is very powerful, it suspends fear. But it doesn’t have as protective of an effect in men as it does in women.
Building Trust
Trust is built in very small moments. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner. Example: on your way home from work you plan to surprise your significant other by taking them out on a nice date. Once you get home, you notice they are not in the best mood. Instead of continuing on with your plans, you put them aside and ask what is wrong. At this moment you are building trust because you are there for your partner when they need you to be. You were connecting rather than choosing to think about your surprise which they would not have enjoyed anyways if they were not in a good mood.
Dan Yoshimoto has discovered that the basis for building trust is really the idea of attunement. He has broken this down with the acronym A.T.T.U.N.E
| A | T | T | U | N | E |
| Awareness of your partner’s emotion (being aware of your emotions as well as your partner’s emotion) | Turning away, toward, or against the emotion Away – completely ignore your partner which can be internalized as rejection (know that a negative response is better than no response at all) Toward – respond (usually in agreement or with empathy and understanding) Against – respond negatively | Tolerance of two different viewpoints (know you’ll never see something exactly the same because you are different humans) | Understand your partner (just being able to understand your partner) | Non-defensive responses to your partner (being active listeners and not responding defensively) | Empathy (putting yourself in your partner’s shoes) |
Trust Metric
On this graph (at left), you can see how one couple rated their interaction. The blue dots represent the wife’s ratings over 15 minutes of conversation; the red dots represent the husband’s ratings. When you add them together, these ratings are a constant, which means that in this interaction, her gain is his loss and his gain is her loss. When we scientifically tested these so-called trust and betrayal metrics, we found that a high trust metric is correlated with very positive outcomes, such as greater stability in the relationship.
We discovered that if a wife trusts her husband, both of their blood consistently flows slower—not only during their conflict discussion but at other times as well. That’s associated with better health and a longer life.
Links:
Quiz Find out if you truly trust your partner
Video Listen to John Gottman discuss Trust and Betrayal
Book – The Science of Trust
Love 101 