by Morgan “MoJo” Johnson
@connectwithmorganjohnson
In the beginning of a relationship there is a phase called Limerence which is when the brain is basically on drugs. There’s a lot of serotonin and oxytocin being released. This phase, typically, lasts 6-8 months. After this phase is when bonding, attunement (see previous post), and checking in with your partner becomes even more important. It is vital to communicate your expectations before entering into a relationship. Things you think are a common norm for a relationship, you still need to communicate with your partner. Do not make assumptions! It is best to know for sure if you are on the same page about everything. That way, you will not have to worry about Relational Norm Violations (RNVs). An RNV is when you had an understanding, a shared norm within the relationship, and someone stepped outside of that.
Once you and your partner has faced an RNV, then there are 5 steps to take as a part of a “repair process“.
The 5 Steps:
1. Feelings: Share how you felt (“I felt…”). Do not say why you felt that way quite yet. Avoid commenting on your partner’s feelings (“I felt like you…).
2. Realities: Describe your “reality.” Take turns. Summarize and validate at least a part of your partner’s reality.
3. Triggers: Share what experiences or memories you’ve had that might have escalated the interaction, and the stories of why these are triggers for each of you.
4. Responsibility: Acknowledge your own role in contributing to the fight or regrettable incident.
5. Constructive Plans: Plan together one way that each of you can make it better next time.
Connection, Disconnection, Reconnection is also a repair process. There will be times where you notice you and your partner are disconnected and that may solely be because people change and evolve over time. If you have been together for years and you notice your partner is not into something they use to love, then that is when you need to adapt and reconnect and A.T.T.U.N.E.
Please remember…when discussing an issue, do not blame, or attack your partner. Make statements in a nice and clear manner. Thoroughly explain to them so they can have a better understanding. Then, come to a neutral ground and compromise to make the situation better.
Information from The Love Hour podcast
Love 101 