4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse | Gottman Method of Couples Therapy | Dr. Lauren Fogel-Mersy
- Criticism vs. Complaint
- Criticism is when you are attacking your partner. Their character!
- Complaint is when you are attacking whatever your partner does. Their actions!
- For example, saying “you are lazy” is criticism and saying “all you want to do is sit around” is a complaint.
- Defensiveness
- Someone in the relationship feels as if they are being attacked in response to being criticized and hearing lots of complaints about them. An antidote to this issue is to take responsibility for your actions.
- Stonewalling
- When someone refuses to engage and respond to their partner. The Gottman’s identify this concept as “righteous indignation”, which is an ego problem. The person cannot take responsibility. An antidote to this issue is to say you need to take some time to yourself and say you will be back after you calm down. Take a healthy break. *Science proves it only takes about 20 minutes to calm down*
- Another terms the Gottman’s use is “flooded”. This means you are overwhelmed by emotion and your heart rate is up along with your blood pressure. You have entered into a “fight or flight” mentality, which is not healthy for the relationship. This is where you need to take a healthy break away from your partner until you are calm enough to have a conversation.
- Contempt
- When you are degrading when you talk. You talk to your partner as if they are your child instead of your companion. It is important to build a culture of positivity and appreciation within the relationship.
- Mockery and sarcasm can be contemptuous to your partner.
Gottman Ratios
- Conflict Ratio
- 5:1 – say 5 good things for every 1 bad thing when in an argument or disagreement or just simply discussing an issue
- Day to Day Ratio
- 20:1 – say 20 good things for every one bad thing on a day to day basis
- This does not mean give 20 compliments. It could be small gestures such as a hug/kiss before you both go to work, a sweet text to check in throughout the day, a random act of kindness, a “just because” token of love, etc.
*Small Tip*
Take a moment each week to check in with your partner. Talk about what is going well, what you appreciate about them, and what is not going well. Discuss what may be coming up within the next week. Be sure to only talk about one thing at a time and do not move on to the next topic until you have fully covered the topic at hand first. Also, be sure to discuss the most critical thing first!
Love 101 