In the book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, Dr. John Gray used the metaphor “men are like rubber bands” to help better understand a man’s intimacy cycle.
A man needs time apart from his partner to fulfill his need for independence and autonomy. He automatically alternates between the two and may not be able to give a clear explanation of why because its an innate behavior. When they pull away, like a rubber band, they only stretch so far before they come springing back.
A man may pull away and distance himself for the same reason a woman does. Below are a few examples:
- don’t trust their partner to understand their feelings
- being afraid of being hurt again
- has done something wrong and disappointed their partner
Once a man pulls away, his whole attitude begins to shift. There is a transformation. Without pulling away he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be close. After “springing back”, the man who did not seem to care about or be interested in his partner, suddenly, cannot live without her. He feels a need for intimacy again.
After fulfilling his need of independence and autonomy (stretching of the rubber band), then fulfilling his need of intimacy (springing back), the rubber band is now limp. The intimacy cycle starts all over again. It is a process.
In order for this process to run smoothly and cause as less confusion/friction as possible within the relationship, there needs to be a level of understanding on both sides. A man needs to understand before a woman may be able to open up again to him after his break, she may wants/needs time and conversation to reconnect. A woman needs to understand that this is natural and she should not take anything personal. It is, actually, quite beneficial to the dynamics of the relationship.
Love 101 