There are basically four stances that individuals take to avoid getting hurt in arguments. They are the four f’s: fight, flight, fake, and fold. Each of these offers a short-term gain, but in the long run they are all counterproductive.
Fight. When a conversation becomes unloving and unsupportive some individuals instinctively begin to fight. They immediately move into an offensive stance. They strike out by blaming, judging, criticizing, and making their partner look wrong. They tend to start yelling and express lots of anger. Once their partner backs down, they assume they won, but in truth they have lost. **Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship**
Flight. To avoid confrontation, your partner may go into their cave and never come out. They will refuse to talk and nothing gets resolved. This passive-aggressive behavior is not the same as taking a time out and then coming back to talk it out later. These individuals are afraid of confrontation. They walk on eggshells in the relationship. Their way of trying to get what they want is to punish their partner by withholding love. They indirectly hurt them by slowly depriving them of the love they deserve. This causes resentments to build. **In the long run, the passion and loving feelings that drew you two together will fade away.**
Fake. This stance is when a person pretends that there is not a problem to avoid getting hurt in a confrontation. This individual wears a smile and appears to be happy, but overtime they become resentful. They are afraid to be honest about their feelings to avoid an argument. They may often use the phrases “It is okay.” “It is alright.” “I am handling it.” “It is fine.”
Fold. Rather than argue this individual gives in. They will take the blame and assume responsibility for whatever is upsetting their partner. In the short run they create what looks like a very loving and supportive relationship, but they end up losing themselves. To please their partners these individuals sense their partners’ desires and then mold themselves in order to please. Eventually they resent having to change themselves for love.
You may have found yourself in one of these or in many of these. People commonly move from one “F” to another. In each of the four, the individual’s intentions are to protect themselves from being hurt. What works is to identify arguments and stop. Take time to cool off if you feel yourself getting angry and come back at a later time to talk. Practice communicating with increased understanding and respect for the opposite sex and you will gradually learn to avoid arguments and fights.
*Information from Dr. John Gray’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus*
Love 101 