There are times when a surge of different emotions come over your body and you are not able to communicate at that very moment. There are times when talking just does not work. Satisfyingly, there is an alternative. Write a letter! Writing down your thoughts and feelings allows you to be aware of how unloving you may sound. It will allow you to adjust your approach. By freely expressing and listening to your feelings, you automatically become more centered and loving. Having become more centered, you can then go to your partner and talk to them in a more loving way.
Instead of physically writing down your feelings, you may wish to carry on an inner dialogue to yourself. Whether you write it down or do it mentally, positive feelings will reemerge after you express your negative feelings.
Dr. John Gray addresses the Love Letter Technique in his book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. There are three parts to this technique. Although there are three parts, you may choose to do all three or you may only need to do one or two. Whichever is best for you!
- Write a love letter expressing your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and love.
- To write a love letter, find a private spot and write a letter to your partner. Be sure to express your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and then love. This format allows you to fully express and understand all of your feelings. Also, be sure to follow these key steps: address the letter to your partner, start with anger then go through the list of the four types of negative feelings, and save love for last. Write a few sentences about each. Sign your name at the end. If you would like for your partner to know what you need or want from them then include a P.S. section.
- Write a response letter expressing what you want to hear from your partner.
- Write a short letter to yourself pretending it is your partner. Include everything you would like to hear from your partner in response to your love letter. Writing out what we actually want and need increases our openness to receiving the support we deserve. This is an important step of the Love Letter Technique because your partner may not know what you need.
- Share your love letter and response letter with your partner.
- Sharing your letter is important for the following reasons: it gives your partner an opportunity to support you, it allows you to get the understanding you need, it gives your partner necessary feedback in a loving and respectful way, it motivates change in the relationship, it creates intimacy and passion, it teaches your partner what is important to you, it helps with communication, and it teaches how to hear negative feelings in a safe way. There are 3 different ways to share your letter! You may either: read the letter out loud yourself for your partner to hear, have them read it out loud to you, or simply hand it to them and allow them to read it on their own in private.
Know that is okay for your partner not to respond right away. Do not punish them for this! Allow them at least 24 hours to think and contemplate on the love letter to respond in a loving manner.
Occasionally, reread the love letters you have written when you are not upset. It will allow you to see things with greater objectivity. This objectivity will help you express negative feelings in a more respectful manner next time.
Love 101 