Love 101

Wrong Time, Right Person

Since this past Saturday I have been hearing the cliche “wrong time, right person” or “right person, wrong time” and it has been sitting heavy on my heart because I was a firm believer in this. There were a couple of men I would tell they were the right person, but it just always seemed like we crossed paths at the wrong time, until I realized those men were not the right person. Recently, I heard someone say “The right person will come at the right time. There is no wrong time, right person because if the timing or circumstance was not suitable for that person, then that person is not the right person for you.” I, also, saw a post on Instagram that said “Being good doesn’t equate to being right. Your character can be dope. Y’all can be compatible. Your beauty can be magnificent. Your sex can be fireworks. But the heart doesn’t care about that. It only cares about chemistry.” After hearing those two things is when it clicked.

I came across this quote from Heidi Priebe,

You never meet the right people at the wrong time because the right people are timeless. The right people make you want to throw away the plans you originally had…and follow them into the hazy, unknown future without a glance backwards. The right people don’t make you hem and haw about whether or not you want to be with them; you just know.
Everything is better since they came along.
When you are with the right person, time falls away. You don’t worry about fitting them into your complicated schedule, because they become a part of that schedule. They become the backbone of it. Your happiness becomes your priority and so long as they are contributing to it, you can work around the rest.
Heidi Priebe

I believe God sends you the right person when you are ready for that person. Once you are able to truly appreciate them, cherish them, grow with them, and love them unconditionally. God sends you tests (your exes) to allow you to learn and grow and to mold you into the “right person” for who He is about to send your way. So, the right person will come at the right time and when they do…you will know it instantly. Like Heidi stated, you will be willing to throw everything away and not look back.

Last note to take away from this blog…Live, be happy, be free! Love, be open, be yourself! The rest will fall into place 🙂

Play Ball

The most you will do in your relationship is be friends and solve conflicts together.

There are 5 ways to work through conflicts and things to take into consideration when communicating with your partner.

L.U.V.
- In a previous blog posted I discussed the L.U.V. technique. Listen, understand, and validate. Listen to what your partner says. Truly understand what your partner is saying. Validate what they have said by repeating back to them what you have heard.
One Play
- During an argument/disagreement be sure to discuss one topic at a time and nothing from the past. Only what has currently taken place should be what the two of you discuss.
Same Team
- Remember in a relationship you and your partner are one. Their issues are your issues. Do not make them feel like
Stay in the Game
- Do not give up! Both partners have to be willing to fight for the relationship and want to stay in the game.
Spike the Ball
- Celebrate small accomplishments. Create a list of goals with your partner you would like accomplish within the relationship and find a way to celebrate each time you do so.

*Information from Dr. Ish on Marriage Boot Camp*

Moving On

“The hard part is not realizing you are not meant to be together. The hard part is accepting it.”
Instagram Post

From having many different conversations with people, many agree that breaking up is not the hard part; moving on is what’s hard. I have created a list of the top 5 reasons most people agree (not in any specific order).

Hate seeing them with someone else
- You have invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship. You fell in love, you became vulnerable, and you opened yourself up. I understand the frustration. I know how it feels to have it all go down the drain. However, if you hate seeing them with someone else, then you are not over them. You have not moved on. I get it! It is a process! Realizing this is the first step.
Reminiscing
- Thinking back on the good times, or maybe even the bad times, is normal. Different things will happen in life as you are moving on that will make you think of this person you are trying to leave in the past. It is okay! As long as you are strong enough to not pick up the phone and call/text them to, later, regret it, then reminiscing is fine.
The good in them
- If you are like me, then you always try to see the good in people, even when there isn’t anything good in them to see. If you do not want to be with this person and you are trying to move on, then stop tying to find reasons to stay. Move on!
What you are used to
- Depending on the period of time you have dated this person, it can be challenging to move on because you have to adjust to a new norm. You are used to talking to this person every day, spending time with them, and being there for each other. Now you aren’t doing any of those things. It is a part of the moving on process. Find hobbies, hang out with friends, etc. to take your mind off things dealing with your ex.
Closure
- Closure is something a lot of people think they need when they get out of relationship. “I need answers.” “I need to know why.” “I don’t understand.” 9 times out of 10 you already know why you broke up. You don’t need any answers. To me, wanting “closure” is hoping for another chance. Save yourself! Just move on! Finding happiness and pure bliss after the relationship is your closure.

The Seasons of Love

A relationship is like a garden. New seeds must be sown and weeds must be pulled taking into consideration the season and the upcoming weather. Love is not always easy because we do not always feel loving. Sometimes love require some hard work depending on the season.

The Springtime of Love

Falling in love is like springtime. We feel as if though our partner is a breath of fresh air. As though nothing could go wrong and we will be happy forever. It is a time of immaculateness when everything seems perfect and works smoothly.

The Summer of Love

Throughout the summer of our love we notice our partner is not as perfect as we thought and we have to work on our relationship. Our partner is a human being who makes mistakes and is flawed.

The weeds arising, in this situation, are frustration and disappointments. They need to be uprooted and the plants (you and your partner) need some extra watering under the hot sun. It is no longer easy to give nor receive the love that is needed.

Many couples at this point are disillusioned because they expect springtime all the time. They do not want to work on the relationship. They blame it all on their partner and give up. In the summer season of love, we need to cherish our partner’s needs as well as ask for and receive the love we need.

The Autumn of Love

The season we get to harvest the results of our hard work tending to the garden during the summer. The season of love that is rich and fulfilling. During autumn, we practice a more mature love that accepts and understands our partner’s imperfections as well as our own. The season of thanksgiving and sharing. The time to relax and enjoy the love we share and created with our partner.

The Winter of Love

The weather changes again and, now, we are in the cold months of winter when all of nature pulls back within itself. The perfect season to sit back, rest, and reflect. The season of healing and renewal. This is a time in relationships when we experience our own unresolved pain. It is a time of solitary growth when we need to look more to ourselves instead of our partner for love and fulfillment. The time when men hibernate in their caves and women sink to the bottom of their wells.

On the bright side, springtime is right around the corner. Soon enough we will feel all of the blissful blessings of springtime. The feelings of hope, love, endless possibilities, and an abundance of happiness are at the end of the cold, wintery journey of soul searching and inner healing. That journey allows us to open our hearts and feel the springtime of love all over again!

*Information from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by Dr. John Gray*

The 90/10 Principle

Our past unresolved feelings periodically resurface when we are upset. When we are upset, about 90% of the upset is related to our past and has nothing to do with what we think is upsetting us. Generally, only 10% of our upset is appropriate to the present experience. When a man’s past comes up, he goes into his cave because he is overly sensitive and just needs acceptance. When a woman’s past comes up, she descends into the well of her feelings and her self esteem crashes. She needs T.L.C. (tender loving care).

Know that negative feelings resurface from the past because you have not properly dealt with those emotions. There are different ways/outlets to address these feelings effectively. You have to find what works best for you. It may be different ways of practicing self care, venting to friends, or seeking counseling.

Women Need Support Too

Women have a difficult time admitting that they need help and support from others, especially when they are independent and a BOSS! However, women make the mistake of thinking they do not have to ask for support. When a woman is in love or just truly cares about someone, she instinctively offers to help. She will look for ways to offer her support with great delight and enthusiasm. So, she expects someone to do the same for her in return. Although when it comes to a man, that is most likely not going to happen. Let’s be real! It is not because the man does not want to support you. Men just think differently than women. A man needs for you to ask and make it known that you need help or support. So, ladies stop purposefully putting your partner through a test to see if he will volunteer because he will not!

Now with that being said…here are 5 secrets of how to correctly ask a man for support.

Appropriate Timing. Timing is crucial! If he is focused on something, then do not ask him to help you and expect him to immediately. Also, if you see he is about to do something, then do not ask him to do what he was already about to do.
Nondemanding Attitude. Make a request and not a demand. A man will feel unappreciated if you use a demanding tone.
Be Brief. Avoid making a list of reasons why he should help you. The longer you explain yourself, the more he will resist.
Be Direct. Do not expect him to offer his support and neglect to ask for it. Be direct. An indirect request makes a man feel taken for granted and unappreciated.
Use Correct Wording. One of the most common mistakes in asking for support is the use of could and can in place of would and will. Always use “would you…” instead of “could you…”.

The Love Letter Technique

There are times when a surge of different emotions come over your body and you are not able to communicate at that very moment. There are times when talking just does not work. Satisfyingly, there is an alternative. Write a letter! Writing down your thoughts and feelings allows you to be aware of how unloving you may sound. It will allow you to adjust your approach. By freely expressing and listening to your feelings, you automatically become more centered and loving. Having become more centered, you can then go to your partner and talk to them in a more loving way.

Instead of physically writing down your feelings, you may wish to carry on an inner dialogue to yourself. Whether you write it down or do it mentally, positive feelings will reemerge after you express your negative feelings.

Dr. John Gray addresses the Love Letter Technique in his book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. There are three parts to this technique. Although there are three parts, you may choose to do all three or you may only need to do one or two. Whichever is best for you!

Write a love letter expressing your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and love.
- To write a love letter, find a private spot and write a letter to your partner. Be sure to express your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and then love. This format allows you to fully express and understand all of your feelings. Also, be sure to follow these key steps: address the letter to your partner, start with anger then go through the list of the four types of negative feelings, and save love for last. Write a few sentences about each. Sign your name at the end. If you would like for your partner to know what you need or want from them then include a P.S. section.
Write a response letter expressing what you want to hear from your partner.
- Write a short letter to yourself pretending it is your partner. Include everything you would like to hear from your partner in response to your love letter. Writing out what we actually want and need increases our openness to receiving the support we deserve. This is an important step of the Love Letter Technique because your partner may not know what you need.
Share your love letter and response letter with your partner.
- Sharing your letter is important for the following reasons: it gives your partner an opportunity to support you, it allows you to get the understanding you need, it gives your partner necessary feedback in a loving and respectful way, it motivates change in the relationship, it creates intimacy and passion, it teaches your partner what is important to you, it helps with communication, and it teaches how to hear negative feelings in a safe way. There are 3 different ways to share your letter! You may either: read the letter out loud yourself for your partner to hear, have them read it out loud to you, or simply hand it to them and allow them to read it on their own in private.

Know that is okay for your partner not to respond right away. Do not punish them for this! Allow them at least 24 hours to think and contemplate on the love letter to respond in a loving manner.

Occasionally, reread the love letters you have written when you are not upset. It will allow you to see things with greater objectivity. This objectivity will help you express negative feelings in a more respectful manner next time.

5 Reasons a Man Stops Giving

Women often times complain about their partner being loving in the beginning of the relationship, but then gradually becomes passive. Below are list of five major reasons a man stops giving that Dr. John Gray addresses in his book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

Men idealize fairness. A man thinks because he has had a productive day at work that he just gained fifty points and he comes home thinking it is time for his partner to gain fifty points without realizing in her book he has only gained one point. In his mind this is fair.
Women idealize unconditional love. Women give freely and assume men will do the same. But as stated in the previous blog post, men view scoring points differently than women. A man gives freely until the score, as he perceives it, gets uneven, then he stops giving. Women allow him to do little things for you and encourage him by asking for his support in little ways then appreciate him.
Men give when they are asked. Men pride themselves in being self-sufficient. They do not ask for help unless they absolutely need it. Women, however, like to offer their support right away. Since, men and women think differently, a man does not know that a woman is waiting for him to offer his support in a situation. So he stops giving because he is waiting to be asked for it.
Women say yes when the score is uneven. Men do not realize that when they ask for support, a woman will say yes even if the score if uneven. If they can support their man, then they will. A man mistakenly assumes the score is even when is it not because she says yes which causes him to stop giving.
Men give penalty points. Women do not know that men give penalty points when they feel unloved and unsupported. When a woman reacts to a man in an untrusting, rejecting, disapproving, or unappreciative way, he gives her penalty points. If he negates in his mind all of the loving support she has given when she does express some negativity, he then loses his motivation to give. He will become passive.

The most difficult part about the above process is knowing what hurt him. For the most part, when a man withdraws into his cave, he more than likely does not even know what hurt him. Then, when he comes out he does not talk about it because he does not even know what happened. When you are able to recognize how he has been hurt, let him know that you are sorry. Most importantly, give him the love that he did not receive. Communicate with one another. The more a woman is able to open up and share her feelings in a respectful way, the more a man is able to learn to open up and share his hurt and pain.

Ways to Score Points with a Woman

A man thinks he scores high with a woman when he does something very big for her like buying her something expensive or taking her on a vacation. He assumes he scores less when he does something small like opening car doors, buying her flowers, or giving her hugs and kisses. This formula, however, does not work because women keep score a bit differently. A man does not realize that to a woman the little things are just as important as the big things. Below are list of ways to score points with a woman.

After returning home find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug or kiss.
Ask her specific questions about her day that indicate an awareness of what she planned to do.
Resist the temptation to solve her problems…empathize instead.
Give her 20-30 minutes of unsolicited, quality attention.
Actually plan a date instead of asking her what she wants to do.
Compliment her on how she looks.
Validate her feelings when she is upset.
Offer to help out when she is tired.
When you are going to be late, call and let her know.
When she asks for support just say yes or no without making her wrong for asking.
Give 4 hugs a day.
Call her from work to ask how she is doing or share something exciting or to simply tell her “I love you.”
Tell her “I love you” at least two times a day.
Notice when the trash is full and take it out without her asking you to.
Wash your car and clean the interior before a date with her.
Offer to give her a back, neck or foot massage (or all three).
Make a point of cuddling or being affectionate without being sexual.
Be patient when she is sharing.
Display affection in public.
Create occasions when you both can dress up and go out.
Pay more attention to her than to others.
Take pictures of her.
Take short romantic getaways.
Write her a note from time to time.
Offer to drive when taking trips.
Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of the relationship.
Open the door for her.
Offer to carry her bags.
Make eye contact with her.
Get ready to go to sleep together and get in bed at the same time.
Give her a kiss when you are leaving and before you fall asleep.
Verbally say thank you.
Let her know that you missed her if you have been away from each other.
Ask her for her opinion on things.
Bring her something you know she likes (candy, flowers, etc.)

Those are just a few ways to make a woman smile and show her that you care. She will definitely feel loved and cherished and you will without a doubt gain some points. *Side note: only five out of the thirty-five things listed require money being spent. Women often times just want to be in your presence. They want to spend quality time together. They could not care less about what you buy and how much money you have spent on them. Although gifts are always welcomed 😊

The 4 F’s for Avoiding Hurt

There are basically four stances that individuals take to avoid getting hurt in arguments. They are the four f’s: fight, flight, fake, and fold. Each of these offers a short-term gain, but in the long run they are all counterproductive.

Fight. When a conversation becomes unloving and unsupportive some individuals instinctively begin to fight. They immediately move into an offensive stance. They strike out by blaming, judging, criticizing, and making their partner look wrong. They tend to start yelling and express lots of anger. Once their partner backs down, they assume they won, but in truth they have lost. **Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship**

Flight. To avoid confrontation, your partner may go into their cave and never come out. They will refuse to talk and nothing gets resolved. This passive-aggressive behavior is not the same as taking a time out and then coming back to talk it out later. These individuals are afraid of confrontation. They walk on eggshells in the relationship. Their way of trying to get what they want is to punish their partner by withholding love. They indirectly hurt them by slowly depriving them of the love they deserve. This causes resentments to build. **In the long run, the passion and loving feelings that drew you two together will fade away.**

Fake. This stance is when a person pretends that there is not a problem to avoid getting hurt in a confrontation. This individual wears a smile and appears to be happy, but overtime they become resentful. They are afraid to be honest about their feelings to avoid an argument. They may often use the phrases “It is okay.” “It is alright.” “I am handling it.” “It is fine.”

Fold. Rather than argue this individual gives in. They will take the blame and assume responsibility for whatever is upsetting their partner. In the short run they create what looks like a very loving and supportive relationship, but they end up losing themselves. To please their partners these individuals sense their partners’ desires and then mold themselves in order to please. Eventually they resent having to change themselves for love.

You may have found yourself in one of these or in many of these. People commonly move from one “F” to another. In each of the four, the individual’s intentions are to protect themselves from being hurt. What works is to identify arguments and stop. Take time to cool off if you feel yourself getting angry and come back at a later time to talk. Practice communicating with increased understanding and respect for the opposite sex and you will gradually learn to avoid arguments and fights.

*Information from Dr. John Gray’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus*