How to Listen Without Getting Angry

Men and women often times become angry with one another while communicating because they tend to forget that they communicate differently. Below are some suggestions about what to do to prevent getting angry while communicating with your partner.

1. Remember anger comes from not understanding their point of view, and this is not their fault. Take responsibility to understand. Do not blame them for upsetting you.
2. Remember that feelings do not always make sense right away, but they are still valid and need empathy. During these times try to breathe deeply and do not say anything. Relax and let go of control. Try to imagine how you would feel if you were in their shoes.
3. Remember anger may come from not knowing what to do to make things better. Even if your partner does not immediately feel better, your listening and understanding helps. Try not to blame them for not feeling better right away.
4. Remember you do not have to agree to understand their point of view or to be appreciated for listening. If you wish to express a differing point of view make sure they are finished and then rephrase what you have heard before giving your own. Also, do not raise your voice.
5. Remember you do not have to fully understand their point of view to be a good listener. Let them know you do not understand but want to understand. Take responsibility for not understanding, but do not judge or imply they cannot be understood.
6. Remember you are not responsible for how they feel. Your partner may sound as if they are blaming you, but they are really just trying to be understood. At this moment, refrain from defending yourself until they feel that you understand and care. Then you can gently begin to explain yourself or apologize.
7. Remember that if your partner makes you really angry, then they are probably mistrusting you. Deep inside may be a girl/boy who is afraid of opening up and being hurt. Someone who needs your kindness and compassion. Do not argue with their feelings and opinions. Take a time out and discuss things later when there is less emotional charge.

When a man/woman can listen to their partner’s feelings without getting angry and frustrated, they are giving their partner a wonderful gift. You have allowed them to feel safe to express themselves. The more a woman feels understood, the more her primary love needs are fulfilled which allows her to be able to give a man the loving trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that he needs to fulfill his primary love needs (see previous post).