Information received from the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller
Attachment styles are ways in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in relationships. Secure people feel completely comfortable with intimacy and are usually the people who have a warm and loving spirit. Anxious people typically crave intimacy and are the people who tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back. Avoidant people associate intimacy with a loss of independence and try to diminish closeness with their partner.
All people in our society fall into one of these categories, or, maybe even, into a combination (anxious and avoidant). 50 percent are secure, 20 percent are anxious, 25 percent are avoidant, and 3-5 percent fall into the combination category.
In a previous blog post, I discussed the three main attachment styles and how they correlate with your upbringing. It was conjectured that your attachment style is determined by the way you were cared for as a child. Today, however, it is known that attachment styles during adulthood are influenced by a variety of factors. One factor is the way our parents cared for us, but others come into play, such as our life experiences.
Attachment theory is based on the allegation that the need to be in a close relationship is ingrained in our genes. John Bowlby realized that we have been programmed by evolution. We have been bred to be dependent on a significant other. The need starts in the womb and ends when we die. Bowlby suggested that throughout evolution, genetic selection favored people who became attached because it provided a survival advantage.
Although we all have a need to form close bonds with others, the way we create these close bonds varies. In an alarming situation, it would be less advantageous to invest your time and energy into one person because to you it would make more sense to detach yourself from them and move on. This means you are the avoidant attachment style. Another option is to be persistent and refulgent about staying close to someone. This means you are the anxious attachment style. A secure attachment style person finds forming intimate bonds with someone would greatly benefit both parties.
Seeing people in the light of their attachment style allows the labels “healthy” and “unhealthy” to disappear. None of them are looked at as “pathological”. Attachment styles allow situations to be understandable, predictable, and expected. For example, you stay with someone even though they are not sure they love you? Understandable! You want to leave, but a few moments later you want to stay? Understandable! However, that does not mean that such behaviors are effective and worthwhile. Those with secure attachment styles know how to communicate. They know how to express their expectations and respond to their partner’s needs. For the other two attachment styles, understanding is only the beginning.
The attachment styles are for all people! For people who are dating, in the early stages of a relationship, and even for those who are in a long-term relationship. For people who are going through a breakup or grieving the loss of a loved one. Stay tuned for the blog posts to come as I will dive deeper into the attachment styles to help us all make better decisions in our personal lives because they play a tremendous part in our lives. Your style determines your behavior and attitude. Things that happened in the past will be seen from a new perspective and your motives will become clearer. You will learn what your needs are and the type of person you should be with in order to be truly happy. You will understand why someone you have built a bond with thinks and acts the way they do. You will experience change…for the better!
Love 101 