Security

As I am studying to become a Marriage and Family Therapist, I was assigned a reading related to Emotion-Focused Therapy. This model of therapy uses the integration of attachment theory and the emotional system. In previous blogs, I have explained attachment styles and pursue/withdraw patterns. If you not have read those, then please do so beforehand to get a better understanding of this blog!

Humans have a need for secure attachment relationships across a lifespan. It is proven that secure attachment affects our physical health, although there are not any specifics that are identifiable. However, this is not the only attachment style that affects us. Avoidant attachment styles are correlated with pain-related complaints. Anxious attachment styles are correlated with cardiovascular conditions.

Bowlby’s attachment style conceptualises adult love. Understanding adult love means understanding that humans need secure relationships to emotionally self-regulate. Security is the goal!

Depending on a person’s attachment style and how they manage their primary emotions (initial reactions to situations) and secondary emotions (emotions about their emotions) determines whether they are usually a pursuer or withdrawer. Now, couples typically present one of four basic pursue/withdraw patterns within their relationship:

• pursue/withdraw – one partner is pursuing while the other is withdrawing
• withdraw/withdraw – the one who was pursuing has burned out
• attack/attack – withdrawing becomes fights and anger provoked by pursuit
• complex cycles – trauma survivor couples which involves high levels of anxiety and avoidance

With that being said, I think it is best that we dive into ten principles of emotional theory:

• Desire to be connected to others is an intrinsic physiological need of all humans
• Neither complete independence nor over dependence is possible, only effective or ineffective
• Secure attachment reduces psychological and physiological effects of stresses in life
• Secure attachment allows adults to feel free to experience exploration, innovation, and openness
• Being emotionally accessible and responsive is established via secure attachment
• Fear and uncertainty activates attachment needs
• If attachment needs are not met, then a person may experience responses of anger, clinging, depression, and despair. Distress is experienced as a primal survival need which explains, but not justify, cruel acts committed in the name of love.
• When a secure relationship no longer feels secure, then anxious patterns, avoidance patterns, or a combination of both are created.
• People use the quality of attachments to define themselves and others as lovable, worthy, or competent. They develop a sense of what can be expected and how to engage in relationships.

I provide you with all of this information with hopes of giving you a better understanding of the different types of people in a relationship. Things to consider about you and your partner. Ways to effectively create and maintain a healthy relationship. I am aware that there are many things to take into consideration about dating and relationships such as love languages, apology languages, matching energies, etc. But step by step we all will be happily in love with this knowledge under our belts!

*Information from Theory and Treatment Planning in Family Therapy by Gehart*