Love 101

10 Common Complaints

To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally.

Below is a list of common complaints ,often times, heard by women that men easily misinterpret.

Women: “We never go out.” Men: “That’s not true. We went out last week.” Actual Meaning: You guys do not go out as often as she may like.
Women: “Everyone ignores me.” Men: “I’m sure some people notice you.” Actual Meaning: You are not giving her as much of attention as she may like.
Women: “I am so tired, I can’t do anything.” Men: “That is ridiculous. You are not helpless.” Actual Meaning: Can you do an act of kindness for me right now? I’m tired and would really appreciate it!
Women: “I don’t want to go to work.” Men: “If you don’t like your job, then quit.” Actual Meaning: It is just a day which she does not feel like going to work. She may not hate her job.
Women: “The house is always a mess.” Men: “You just cleaned the house the beginning of the week.” Actual Meaning: She may be a little OCD and a clean freak. There may be only a few things out of place or dirty that is a mess in her eyes.
Women: “No one listens to me.” Men: “But I am listening to you right now.” Actual Meaning: She does not feel heard and understood on a deeper level.
Women: “Nothing is working.” Men: “Are you saying it is my fault?” Actual Meaning: She is frustrated and feels no matter what she does, it is not working in her favor.
Women: “You don’t love me anymore.” Men: “Of course I do. That is why I’m here.” Actual Meaning: She does not feel loved, wanted, and appreciate. There is a gap somewhere.
Women: “We are always in a hurry.” Men: “No we are not. Friday I was relaxed.” Actual Meaning: She feels you both are always on the go. Take a day or two to relax together and just enjoy each other’s presence.
Women: “I want more romance.” Men: “Are you saying I am not romantic?” Actual Meaning: Her meaning of romance may be different. Understand the level of romance she needs.

Fellas!!! Women misinterpret things as well! However, the most easily misinterpreted thing is SILENCE! If you give a woman the silence treatment, then you are waiting for a disaster to come about. She will only overthink and think of the most off the wall situations to the point they become logical in her mind and then there is big issue.

So…COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! Be open and honest and explain in great detail when there is miscommunication!

*Information from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray, Ph.D

Healing A Relationship

3 Steps for Healing a Relationship

Motivation

Share feelings with one another to gain a better understanding of your relationship.

Discuss the beginning, middle, and end of your relationship. Talk about how things were in the beginning, things you liked and did not like at that time. Talk about what is happening within the relationship right now. Then, discuss what you would like for the end result to be. What is the outcome you are hoping for? Let your end goal become your motivation to heal your relationship!!!

Responsibility

Both parties take responsibility for the relationship falling apart.

While discussing details of your relationship in its current state, take responsibility for the relationship being in a rough patch. However, not full responsibility! You and your partner, both, should take responsibility because a relationship takes two and not just one.

Practice

Actively healing the relationship.

As you are working to heal your relationship, practice healthful and positive communication. 9 times out of 10, you and your partner hit a rough patch due to lack of communication. Therefore, you both need to practice expressing yourselves in a respectful manner.

*Information from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray, Ph.D

Shave, Wax, or Sugar

Understanding the benefits and side effects of each to determine which is better for you!

Shaving

Shaving is when you use a razor to remove the top layer of hair from your skin. This hair removal method is more of a trim, only removing hair from the surface of the skin and leaving the root intact. Shaving usually only lasts a few days before the hair begins to grow back, which means you will shave more often. Often times after shaving you may experience itching, razor burns, and/or ingrown hairs.

Waxing

Waxing is when you use waxes made from resins and tree by-products to remove body hair. This method removes hair from the root. Understand that there are two different types of waxing: hard and soft. Hard wax is applied, then removed by gripping the edge of the wax. Soft wax is applied, then removed by a wax removal strip that is pressed and smoothed over the wax. It usually takes about 2 weeks before you begin to see hair growing back to the area. Like with sugaring, the hair will need to grow 1/4 inch before being removed again, so the wax is able to grip the hair. After a wax, you may experience irritation, moderate pain, redness, and/or ingrown hairs.

Sugaring

Sugaring is when you use a sugaring paste, which is a mix of lemon, water, and sugar. Like waxing, this paste is applied to your skin and pulled off to remove the hair from the roots. However, waxing and sugaring are very different. Sugaring paste has no additives, essential oils, chemicals, or preservatives commonly found in waxes. Sugaring paste is applied against the growth of the hair and removed with the growth of the hair. This is opposite of waxing, where you apply the wax in the same direction as the hair growth and remove the wax by pulling against the hair growth. Hair typically takes a little longer to grow back with sugaring rather than waxing AND after a while hair may not grow back at all in places. It usually takes 2-3 weeks before you begin to see hair growing back and like previously stated with waxing, the hair will need to grow 1/4 inch before being removed again. Sugaring paste does not stick to the skin at all, therefore, it is less painful. Although, there are still side effects you may experience such as: moderate pain, redness, and/or irritation. This method of hair removal is best if you tend to have a problem with ingrown hairs!

Personal

Me, personally, prefer sugaring. I have shaved and gotten a wax prior to sugaring, but once I started sugaring I have never went back. Sugaring leaves the skin smoother and lasts longer. I, also, suggest using a product called Tend Skin to reduce the appearance of bumps and redness. This product can, also, be used to exfoliate.

“Pursuer” or “Distancer”

Depending on whether you are a pursuer or distancer usually depends on your upbringing. The attachment theory gives background on why you may be one of the two.

Secure

Avoidant

Anxious

Securely attached people generally had a healthy childhood and are better at approaching intimate relationships.

Avoidant people find intimacy more of a struggle, often because of a trauma in early life, such as neglect, poor parenting, or an abusive relationship.

Anxiously attached people may have experienced inconsistency as a child and needs an intimate relationship.

Pursuer

Distancer

The pursuer is the one who initiates intimacy, whether it is sexually or emotionally. A sexual pursuer initiates sexual intimacy. An emotional pursuer initiates non-sexual intimacy.

The distancer is the one who shy away from intimacy. If they are a sexual distancer, then they are most likely an emotional pursuer and vice versa.

Outcome

The pursuer will often feel rejected, demanding, and abandoned if their partner is a distancer. The distancer will often feel as if they are not good enough for their partner because needs are not being met. This situation leads to both parties feeling stressed and causes friction within the relationship.

Quick Tip

Talk to your partner and find out why they may be a distancer if it causes problems within your relationship. Open communication is key, especially if your partner experienced neglect, abuse, trauma, etc. Compromising is also key. Be willing to meet each other half way.

Desire

Desire is based on your mental experience and is your individual responsibility

Did You Know?

You are responsible to turn yourself on. You are responsible to know what you like and what feels good to you.

*Everything is learned behavior. What one perceives as sexual stimuli may be different for another person*

“How you do things in life is how you do things sexually.”
Dr. Shannon Chavez

When dissecting problems dealing with sex, begin by looking at the relationship in its entirety. The dynamics, communication, how you get your needs met, how you practice intimacy, etc.

*Sex requires giving and receiving, negotiation, and compromising!*

Tips

Who is initiating? Both people need to take turns on initiating!
Think about other parts of your body to incorporate
Don’t forget about touching, kissing, and other actions of intimacy

4 Signs of Divorce

4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse | Gottman Method of Couples Therapy | Dr. Lauren Fogel-Mersy

Criticism vs. Complaint
- Criticism is when you are attacking your partner. Their character!
- Complaint is when you are attacking whatever your partner does. Their actions!
  - For example, saying “you are lazy” is criticism and saying “all you want to do is sit around” is a complaint.
Defensiveness
- Someone in the relationship feels as if they are being attacked in response to being criticized and hearing lots of complaints about them. An antidote to this issue is to take responsibility for your actions.
Stonewalling
- When someone refuses to engage and respond to their partner. The Gottman’s identify this concept as “righteous indignation”, which is an ego problem. The person cannot take responsibility. An antidote to this issue is to say you need to take some time to yourself and say you will be back after you calm down. Take a healthy break. *Science proves it only takes about 20 minutes to calm down*
- Another terms the Gottman’s use is “flooded”. This means you are overwhelmed by emotion and your heart rate is up along with your blood pressure. You have entered into a “fight or flight” mentality, which is not healthy for the relationship. This is where you need to take a healthy break away from your partner until you are calm enough to have a conversation.
Contempt
- When you are degrading when you talk. You talk to your partner as if they are your child instead of your companion. It is important to build a culture of positivity and appreciation within the relationship.
- Mockery and sarcasm can be contemptuous to your partner.

Gottman Ratios

Conflict Ratio
- 5:1 – say 5 good things for every 1 bad thing when in an argument or disagreement or just simply discussing an issue
Day to Day Ratio
- 20:1 – say 20 good things for every one bad thing on a day to day basis
- This does not mean give 20 compliments. It could be small gestures such as a hug/kiss before you both go to work, a sweet text to check in throughout the day, a random act of kindness, a “just because” token of love, etc.

*Small Tip*

Take a moment each week to check in with your partner. Talk about what is going well, what you appreciate about them, and what is not going well. Discuss what may be coming up within the next week. Be sure to only talk about one thing at a time and do not move on to the next topic until you have fully covered the topic at hand first. Also, be sure to discuss the most critical thing first!

Matching Energies

When thinking of the dynamic of a relationship there are many things to take into consideration, such as the 5 love languages and zodiac signs…which I have discussed in previous posts.

The 5 Love Languages – What is your love language versus your partner’s love language?

Zodiac Signs – Are your zodiac signs compatible with each other?

But another thing to consider is your divine energy – divine feminine and divine masculine. Many people think if they are a female, then they are divine feminine and if they are a male, then they are divine masculine. This is NOT true!! Women can have a masculine energy and vice versa.

The reason this is important to know is because regardless of gender, we all contain both masculine and feminine energy – and your leading energy reflects your inner nature and values. If your leading energy is masculine, then you would need a partner who is divine feminine to balance you out.

So…which one are you? I suggest you take the quiz to find out! However, if you do not like quizzes, then take a look at the list of characteristics below.

Divine Feminine

Intuitive
Grounded
Receptive
Supportive
Reflective

Vulnerable
Authentic
Creative
Empathetic
Strong

Divine Masculine

Does not judge
Disciplined
Logical
Focused
Confident

Protective
Accountable
Humble
Responsible
Boundaries

F***boy Recovery

Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! We all have dated someone we knew we should not have given a chance! The one who is considered to be a f***boy. The man who does not respect you but relies on you heavily. The one who is all about himself. The one who does stupid things. The one who plays with your emotions. The one who lies for no good reason. The one you love but know you should not love. Yes, that is who we are talking about!

So here are 7 tips I have come up with for you on how to recover from a f***boy!

Admit you have a problem. If you are noticing these are the only types of men you are attracted to, then you have a problem. That problem may be not knowing what you want or need from a man in your relationship. That problem may be low self-esteem. There are many things that could cause you to be attracted to f***boys. You have to find out what that is!

Know your worth. Know the type of woman you are! Praise yourself! Write down all of your positive attributes to remind yourself of the phenomenal woman you are! The woman that any man should be proud to have.

Demand more. Know what you deserve and demand it from your man! If he is not able to fulfill your needs, then cut him loose.

Relapse. We all know there will come a time when you will relapse and go back to the f***boy even after you have said you will never go back. It is natural! We have all been there.

Come back stronger. Take charge! You have already been through 4 of the main steps towards recovery. You are on a straight path now to a better you to find the right man for you!

Feel gratitude. The f***boy you dated taught you a lesson in the end. Hold your head high and take that lesson and run with it!

Seek revenge. Boss up! Move on and flourish! That is all the revenge you need 😊

Avoidance vs Acceptance

The Side Effects of Moving On from the Small Doses podcast with Amanda Seales

When moving on from someone who was once a great part of your life, it is difficult to find the balance between avoidance and acceptance. Many times we think we are accepting the situation and moving on, when we are really just avoiding the situation and moving on. Which is better for you well being? Acceptance of course! But how do you truly know if you are?

Avoidance is when you are not really dealing with the situation. You are trying to forget everything that has happened. You are letting it go and sweeping it under the rug. By doing this, you are robbing yourself of a positive lesson. There is a fear you have of facing the situation head on because you may not like what you see or you may not like dealing with confrontation, or you may be afraid of the reality that someone has wronged you. There are many reasons why moving on by avoiding may seem like the best way to go because it is the easy way out. However, that is not benefiting you nor allowing you to better yourself.

Acceptance is dealing with the situation and understanding what happened, why it happened, and how it happened. You are moving on and being your best self! You are facing the situation head on by addressing all of those questions (what, why, and how) and reevaluating not only the other person involved, but yourself as well. You are understanding both sides. There is a positive lesson that you have taken from the situation.

*Note* In order for you to fully move on from someone, your heart and mind needs to be in agreement with one another. You cannot move on if your mind is saying one thing and your heart is saying another!

7 Signs You Have A Good Partner

They handle conflict maturely. Name calling, ridiculing, and physical abuse is not something you deal with. When you are in disagreement, they do not put you down or behave aggressively. They talk respectfully, calmly, and openly.

They celebrate your successes. They see your accomplishments as a great thing. They do not dismiss them or seek to make you feel bad when you are doing well. They also do not behave as if they are in competition with you. When you are happy, they are happy!

You trust them and they trust you. You rarely feel anxious when you cannot get in touch with them or when they are out with friends. You have no reason to doubt them or be worried about their behavior when you are not around. They also show you that they trust you too.

Talking to them is easy. They allow you to be vulnerable and they do not throw your vulnerabilities in your face or expose your deepest secrets. They listen when you speak – not just to hear, but also to understand. They also encourage you to talk about yourself.

You spend time apart and have lives outside of your relationship. Your life consists of a healthy balance of ‘us’ and ‘me’ time. They want you to have a social life outside of them, and do not seek to control you. You feel like you are given room to grow and spend time with others.

They are considerate and willing to compromise. Your relationship does not revolve around them alone. They understand the meaning of a partnership and that your needs matter too. When compromise may be required, they evaluate all options and not just the ones to suit them.

You feel loved. They regularly express their love and affection using their own love language. They also try their best to love you how you like to be loved. As a result, you feel appreciated and treated like a priority, not taken for granted and treated like an option.