Love 101

How to Regain that “Spark”

“One of the things about equality is not that you be treated equally to a man, but that you treat yourself equally to the way you treat a man.”
Marlo Thomas

Below I am going to list 3 steps to follow in order to regain that spark in your relationship.

Instead of asking him to focus on you, focus on yourself! The number one a woman has to do to get her sexy back is to shift her focus and energy back onto herself.
Alter the routine! When things become predictable you and him both will be on “autopilot”. Randomly do things to keep him on his toes.
Regain your sense of humor! A sense of humor is a sexy quality for both men and women. Also, laughter is a way of healing.

Now, do not expect change overnight. It will take some time! However, once you complete those 3 steps you will be on the road to regaining that spark in the relationship!

Keeping Your Pink Slip

Alexa, play “Independent” by Webbie featuring Lil Boosie and Lil Phat!

Keeping your pink slip, basically, means to be able to hold your own without depending on your man. If you can take care of yourself, then everything he gives you becomes gravy because he isn’t the whole mashed potatoes. If you get what I am saying. He does not provide you your livelihood.

Attraction Principle #78 – Your pink slip is maintained when you can stand on your own with or without him. He should never feel that you are completely at his mercy.

Once a man feels like you are completely at his mercy, that is when the disrespect comes into play and he begins to mistreat you. A man will never respect you as being able to hold your own unless you are standing on your two feet financially. You have to show that you are a boss and have a lot to bring to the table!

There are 3 key points to take note of:

The ability to choose how you want to live and the ability to choose how you want to be treated are the two things that will give you more power than any material object ever will.
In a relationship of any kind, if one person feels the other person is not bringing anything to the table, he or she will begin to disrespect that person.
The ability to take care of yourself ensures that all of the following will remain intact: the mental challenge, the respect, the longevity of the relationship, and the sexual desire.

As a true b****, keep your power in EVERY way! Live by your own rules. Move to your own rhythm. Decide how you want to be treated. Stand ten toes on what you will and will not tolerate. And if it comes down to it, leave if you do not get what you want.

How To Tell When A Man Is In Love

As we are coming to an end of the “Why Men Love B******” series of blogs based on the book written by Sherry Argov, I would like to list the top ten ways to tell whether a man is love since men are so good at hiding how they truly feel. Below are “the little things” men shared with Sherry to tell if they are in love.

A man is in love when he starts to regularly pick her over his friends.
When he seems more overjoyed, more alive, and more happy
When she lets her keep feminine decor/items in the house
A man is in love when he begins to start taking better care of himself and starts thinking long term.
When he goes out of his way
A lot of temptations go away when a man falls hard. Other women aren’t a threat when he is attached because he just wants to be with her.
When he does thoughtful things and always thinks of ways to please her and make her happy
When he feels like he no longer needs to look for someone else
When he is willing to do whatever whenever just to please her. He is willing to go above and beyond
She no longer has to ask for things because he is so in tune with her that he is already a step ahead.

Men Love Feisty Women

Don’t get me wrong, men like nice women, but not so nice to the point they can be walked over.

I have listed 7 reasons below as to why men love feisty women. “Why Men Love B******” lists more, so take a look at the book if you would like to dive a bit deeper.

“When you banter with a woman and she can give it right back to you, it is a turn on.”
Men like women who can put them in their place.
“I like a woman who won’t play games.” Her confidence makes him not want to lose her.
A woman that is too nice becomes monotonous.
Men like women who are smart and have their act together.
“I like a woman who has the integrity to stand by what she believes.”
Men like women who aren’t afraid to disagree with them or tell them what she thinks.

Turn Ons/Turn Offs (for women)

Last week’s blog addressed some turn ons/turn offs for men based on the “Why Men Love B******” book, so this week I decided to come up with a list for women. As a woman I have my own turn ons/turn offs on the list, but I also took a poll on social media to get feedback from other women as well. Check it out!

Turn On

Confidence
When he pays attention to small details
When he plans the date
Eye contact
Doing little things here and there to show love and appreciation

Turn Off

Cockiness
Flashing money
Being persistent after being told “no”
When he mentions sex in a joking manner
Expecting her to do “wifey things”

Turn On/Turn Off

Men like to feel desired and doesn’t like to question his manhood, so below are the top male views on how to keep that “spark” in a relationship.

Hearing compliments as feedback to know their wife/girlfriend still finds them desirable.
Surprise him with something. The element of surprise is a turn on.
Still make time for each other after a long day of work.
Deep conversations. One-on-one. No distractions.
Don’t make him ask for sex.
Spend time apart. It is important to do things alone or without your partner.
Express interests in what he likes.
Always throw a curveball here and there to keep him on his toes, so nothing becomes like a routine.

There are some things men find to be a turn off that may be obvious to some and shocking to others. The top male turn offs are listed below.

Use the bathroom in private and keep the feminine products out of sight.
A woman that is too materialistic
Jealousy
Leave some things as a mystery. Being too much of an open book can be a turn off.
Irresponsible. No job. No credit.
Crazy ex
Applies too much pressure
Being sloppy drunk in public
Being desperate/thirsty
Acting like his mom

*Information gathered from Why Men Love B****** by

Why Men Play It Cool

Back to my series from the book “Why Men Love B******”

Men often try to play it cool because they feel like they have to with women. There are 10 different reasons men have given as to why they play it cool with women.

Some men want women to think they have options. They think it makes them more attractive.
Some men play it cool because they want to make their girlfriend a little insecure so she stays with him instead of seeking other men.
Some men play it cool because they do not want to feel like a woman has that much control over him. It is a blow to their egos.
Some men do not want to come off as too eager.
Society says men should not show emotion, so some men are just as emotional as women and play it cool until they feel comfortable to open up.
Some men play it cool as a way of having their guard up so they don’t get hurt.
So they do not look thirsty or desperate
So their sex drive don’t overpower them
Some women fall for the bad boy before the nice guy, so some men play it cool to appeal to them.
Some men think playing it cool displays his strength. He wants to be perceived as cool and not perceived as lame.

Ladies, in the beginning the only thing you need to pay attention to is whether he keeps coming around because he will only be able to suspend/hide his feelings for so long. (Attraction Principle #68)

3 Types of People In The World

As I was watching “Too Hot To Handle”, a Netflix series about individuals dating to build an emotional connection amongst each other rather than a physical connection, there was an activity where they explained the three different types of people in the world.

Reactive

People who fall into this category, typically, react to situations instantly before thinking about it. If someone does something to them, then they quickly do something back. Sort of like a tit for tat type of person. These people usually have quick tempers and are hot headed.

Responsive

Responsive people are those who try to be the peace maker in situations. They like to find the best solution to the problem. They would rather talk things out in a calmly manner instead of lash out. If someone does something to them, then they will most likely turn the other cheek and kill them with kindness. They believe sometimes silence is the best answer. These people are very mild tempered and easy going.

Shut Down

This category speaks for itself. We all know someone who shuts down when something happens to them or surrounding them. They do not tend to react nor respond to situations. They walk away, go M.I.A., cry, become really quiet, or try to act like nothing has happened. These people tend to have a difficult time expressing their emotions and dealing with their emotions properly. They usually need time to process everything and will address the situation at a later time, if at all.

Code Switching

The practice of alternating between two or more languages or varieties of language in conversation.
Google Dictionary

If you have not watched the Netflix series “Sex Life”, then please do so! There are so many deep messages hidden in the storyline that I could write numerous blogs about. However, one of the episodes discussed code switching which resonated with me, not only as a woman, but a black woman.

Everyone code switches. We code switch between work and home, corporate spaces and communal spaces, and maybe even from one group of people and another group of people. Code switching requires constant awareness. You have to quickly assess where you are and who you are around to determine the type of person you need to be. People in the black community are far too fond of code switching. We learn early as a culture to abandon our true authentic selves to blend in with Mainstream White America. Why? Because we are taught to change the way we talk based on who we are talking to. We are taught that the way we traditionally speak amongst each other is deemed unacceptable. We must speak with perfect intonation and articulation when we are making important phone calls, going to interviews, attending business meetings, etc.

Black women, in my opinion, are code switchers on an even greater scheme. We have to fall in line and make ourselves smaller or less intimidating. We have to oppress who we are to be seen as a submissive woman. We cannot be looked at as the aggressive black woman by White America or a potential husband. Black women code switch around men way too often to come across as perfect wifey material.

I think code switching is something that should brought to the forefront and discussed more, which is why I had to type this blog! I hope this resonated with you and you enjoyed reading 🙂

Don’t Tell. Don’t Compare.

Usually, I pull information from books, blogs, podcasts, etc. to create a blog for you all. Today, this blog was inspired by social media posts.

I have been noticing different people on various social media platforms ask about other’s relationships or willingly give information about their relationship seeking validation or advice. I am going to say two things:

If it is not broke, then do not fix it.
Each individual is different.

Now, I say those two points to say this…

Based on observations, some people try to find the smallest things to make an issue and start a fight about. Toxicity has become so habitual in our generation that is seems outlandish when everything is going well in the relationship, so you are looking for something wrong. If it is not broke, don’t fix it.
Because each individual is different, each relationship is different. What works for one relationship, may not work for your relationship and vice versa. Find out what works best for you and your partner! Stop comparing yourself and your partnership to others.

I titled this blog “Don’t Tell. Don’t Compare.” due to the simple fact that not everyone has your best intentions at heart. Do not go tell every little detail of what is happening in your life (relationship or not) because everyone does not wish happiness and success over your life. Also, stop comparing yourself to others because whatever it is…that blessing was intended for them and not you. That person was intended for them and not you. “What God has for me, it is for me” is a quote I live by. Focus on you and yours!