Love 101

Nagging Nancy

Nagging behavior tells a man that you are affected by every move he makes. Nagging, in a sense, rewards him. It reassures him that you care.

In the last blog, we discussed attraction principles related to jumping through hoops and making yourself more available than need be. Now, we are going to discuss two more attraction principles in relation to nagging.

Attraction Principle #55 (according to Sherry Argov) states “Negative attention is still attention. It lets a man know that he has you — right where he wants you.” Women differ in terms of how long it takes to run out of steam when it comes to voicing their feelings and emotions over and over again. According to men who were interviewed, women have their own personalized style of nagging:

The Marathon Nagger: someone who will nag for a longer time, so they pace themselves.
The Spirit Nagger: someone who will nag for a shorter period of time. Usually more intense and gets tired quicker
The Momentum Whiner: someone who will start out with a whine and build up to a nag
The Sunrise Whiner: someone who wakes up and immediately starts nagging
The Nightcap Nagger: as soon as their partner is falling asleep, this person is sure to remind them of something they either did not do or has to do the next day
The Bushwacker: someone who loves the element of surprise. At random moments throughout the day they will nag
The Sniper: someone who premeditates on what they are going to say and/or shoots low blows

Attraction Principle #59 (in the book Why Men Love B******) states “When you nag, you become the problem, and he deals with it by tuning you out. When you don’t nag, he deals with the problem.”

Try something new! Don’t nag. Don’t show emotions. Do not explain and tell him why you are no longer nagging. Show rather than tell! Men are territorial and love to “fix” things. They also despite when someone else fixes things before them. So, do not nag, just mention something once and lay back to see what happens. No longer be the “Nagging Nancy”.

Jumping Through Hoops Like a Circus Poodle

Basic B**** 101 | Attraction Principles 49, 50, and 51

She may be trying too hard to impress him. She may be trying too hard to win him over. She may be trying too hard to be sexy. A man notices a “try hard” from the very first conversation. You should never try too hard to make an impression. Men like women who are natural.

Attraction Principle #49

According to Sherry Argov in her book Why Men Love B******, jumping through hoops often has a negative outcome. He sees it as an opportunity to have his cake and eat it too. But, when you stay just outside of his reach, he will stay on his best behavior.

Remember the “golden rule” we all learned in kindergarten? We can going to make a few modifications.

Let’s Replace…

“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

“Love conquers all.”

“To give is better than to receive.”

“Charity begins at home.”

“All is well that ends well.”

“Love thy neighbor.”

With…

“Do unto others after they show you they are worthy.”

“Love conquers her, when she gives all.”

“It is better to give and receive.”

“There is no charity case in this home.”

“All is well for those who cover their ends well.”

“Love thyself first.”

Attraction Principle #50

The nice girl gives away too much of herself when pleasing him regularly becomes more important than pleasing herself.

Do not sweep your needs under the rug or make accommodations to your plans for him. He will act as if jumping through hoops is perfectly normal and it is not. If he doesn’t respect any of your needs, then why respect his?

Attraction Principle #51

The relationship may not be right for you to find yourself jumping through hoops. When something is right, it will feel easier and much more effortless.

Remember, it is not about a man! This is your life! Do things when it is convenient for you!

Terms and Conditions

Unconditional love is a beautiful thing! Just be sure to give it AFTER your conditions have been met! Whether you have terms and conditions indicates whether you have options.

A quality man does not want a woman he can walk all over. Same as a quality woman does not want a man she can walk all over. There is nothing wrong with having self-respect…and a few conditions.

As we continue on this journey to becoming a “dream girl”, there are 3 conditions I would like to share that I believe every woman (and man) should have when it comes to dating.

Condition #1 – He/She books in advance.

The message? Your time and attention are valuable. If you treat yourself as a valuable commodity, then they will naturally react to that.

Condition #2 – Do not see him/her when you are “running on empty”.

The message? He/She does not come before basic necessities (i.e., rest). If they would like to do something past your bedtime, then politely reschedule. If you are not in a good mental space or just not in the mood that day, then they should understand that and be kind enough to reschedule.

Condition #3 – If you are not having fun or he/she is not good company, end the date and give an explanation as to why.

The message? You have a standard of how you expect to be treated. Hold your own and stand firmly in how you feel.

Having terms and conditions just sets the tone for the relationship. It establishes the dynamic between the two people involved.

Mama/Hoe

So there is this theory called the Mama/Hoe Complex which a man will either see his “mama” or his “hoe”. Not meaning hoe in a derogatory way as in saying someone who sleeps with multiple people, but as in a person who he considers his girl, his woman, his lady in the streets but his freak in the sheets lol.

Now, they say every man is looking for a woman like his mom, but that does not mean you should treat him as if you are his keeper. There are 4 “Mommy No-No’s” that makes a man feel smothered or suffocated, which will turn him off. They are:

Do not appear to check up on him or ask him to check in with you. (If he checks in voluntarily, then cool but do not force it.)
Do not expect him (without asking first) to spend all of his free time with you. (You need time apart in a relationship anyways.)
Do not ask him to account for the time that he is not with you. (He will view this as punishment or an obligation, which takes away the pleasure and excitement of being with you.)
Do not be overly doting, leaving him no room to come your way. (Don’t be clingy.)

Spontaneity in Men

Guarding yourself from those last minute dates and last minute calls when he has nothing better to do.

While reading the book “Why Men Love B******” by Sherry Argov, one of her attraction principles stated “A man knows which woman will give in to last minute requests.” She created a chart to distinguish between when a man is treating you like a backup and when a man is treating you as someone he adores when it comes to last minute dates/calls.

The Spontaneous Guy Who Is Treating You Like A Backup

You don’t hear from him for 2 weeks at a time and then all of a sudden you get a phone call
He prioritizes social engagements with his drinking buddies
He makes travel arrangements with friends and never asks you to accompany him.
He is irritable when he is around you and frequently complains of not having time to himself.
He calls you to cancel plans for the evening. Later that night, you call right back and it goes directly to voicemail. Then he calls the following day with a good excuse.
He won’t ever take you out or spend much money. He may ask you for a loan. Before you know it, you are supporting the guy through college.
You make it known that you are available on a weekend night and even though he works during the week, he doesn’t make himself available to see you.

The Spontaneous Guy Who Wants To Show You He Adores You

He makes dates ahead of time, and he also wants to see you spontaneously in between.
His buddies complain that he fell off the face of the Earth. They hassle him, but he doesn’t care.
He’s constantly asking you to take time off from work so you can get away together.
He is happy to be in your company. His friends and family all think he looks happier than ever.
If he has to cancel, he feels badly about it. He calls you when he gets in from wherever he is because ht has nothing to hide and he wants you to know he’s being totally “on the level”.
He’ll do anything just to see you smile
He almost always sees you whenever you have time, unless he has a professional commitment or there is an important extenuating circumstance.

Keep these things in mind and take notes on his behavior. Decipher whether you are being treated as a backup or first priority.

Am I Too Nice?

In relationships, it is not always how about you treat your partner, but how you treat yourself. You want to be a companion and the “nice” person for your partner, but that does not mean you have to become a pushover. A relationship should not require you to pull the plug on your life to accommodate your partner.

Below is a little quiz of 10 questions. Read through each question and answer truthfully. Are you too nice?

Do you often tell your partner that you want to be treated with respect?
Do you feel guilty when you say no, or do you say no and then second-guess yourself?
Do you often pass up sleep or the need for personal time to meet your partner’s needs?
Do you find yourself bartering or negotiating for what you want or need?
Do you find that you repeat what you have asked for as though they did not hear it the first time?
Do you regularly see your partner on short notice or when it is convenient for them?
Do you find you are much more doting and affectionate than they are?
After a fight, are you always the first one to contact them or the first to apologize?
Do you constantly want more attention or reassurance?
Do you often feel depleted after they have been with you?

If you answered yes to five or more of the questions, then you are giving more than you are receiving in the relationship. You are being too nice. Talk with your partner and find a happy balance. One party giving more than the other is never healthy. So, it is best to notice it and make the proper changes together, now, before it ends badly.

The New and Improved

10 Keypoints to Being the Dreamgirl

The dreamgirl is the woman who is polite, but clear. She communicates directly. She knows what she likes and usually gets what she wants. Here are 10 characteristics that define “The Dreamgirl”.

She maintains her independence.
She does not pursue him.
She is mysterious.
She leaves him wanting.
She does not let him see her sweat.
She remains in control of her time.
She maintains a sense of humor.
She places a high value on herself.
She is passionate about something other than him.
She treats her body like a finely tuned machine.

I hope my series of blogs (the past 3) have been beneficial. I hope you all have been able to take something away from the information. Remember it is just insight…a way of giving a different outlook on how you may approach relationships. We will discuss more key points to being the dream girl in future posts! Thanks for reading 🙂

Je Ne Sais Quoi

“that something special” “that elusive charming quality”

Je ne sais quoi is a french expression that translates to “I don’t know what”. You know when you just like someone, but don’t know what it is about them that has you feeling so in love? That’s what we’re talking about today!

That elusive quality boils down to someone who is comfortable in their own skin and can’t be made to feel down about themselves. It is not about the looks. It is not about the intelligence. It is about mystery and learning how to create intrigue.

A man may say “I need a little time.” What is the correct response to him? Helping him pack because that is how much you love yourself. You love yourself enough to not want to be with someone who does not want you. This also gives a man that mental challenge that we discussed in the previous blog which intrigues him.

Also, in the previous blog, I discussed seven principles of attraction. Well, here are two more!

The biggest variable between a b**** and a woman who is too nice is FEAR. The bitch shows that she is not afraid to be without him. “Fear has a smell, as love does.” (- Margaret Atwood) A woman does not make decisions based on the fear of losing a man. This woman is not considered to be a b**** because of her personality, demeanor, or how abrasive she may be. It is because she is not willing to give herself up for a man.
If the choice is between her dignity and having a relationship, the b**** will prioritize her dignity above all else. This type of woman stays true to who she is. She remains the same person throughout the relationship. She does end friendships. She does not quit her job. She does not quit her hobbies. She does not give up her time to bend over backwards for a man. And unlike the doormat (nice girl), she is not going to tolerate disrespect. While committing to all of these things, she still has her edge. She still holds her own. She doesn’t have fear, but he, now, has fear of losing her.

These two principles add to the Je Ne Sais Quoi. This gives him that “something special”, that “I don’t know what it is about her”, that “elusive charming quality”.

Principles of Attraction

In the book “Why Men Love B******” by Sherry Argov, many principles of attraction are discussed that I think are important for women to know and understand. Take this time to have an open mind and self evaluate as I have listed seven of the principles below. It is time to go from “a doormat to a dreamgirl” in the words of Sherry.

Anything a person chases in life runs away. Chasing a man leads him to believe you are desperate or are willing to devalue yourself for him. This only results to him losing respect for you and losing the desire to get closer to you. A dreamgirl will not kill herself to impress anyone.
The women who have the men climbing the walls for them are not always exceptional. Often, they are the ones who don’t appear to care that much. This is about whether you are needy or an equal partner in the relationship. This principle is about holding your own. Men like a mental challenge. The mental challenge has to do with whether you expect to be respected. It has to do with how you relate to him. It has to do with whether he knows that you aren’t afraid to be without him.
A woman is perceived as offering a mental challenge to the degree that a man doesn’t feel he has a 100 percent hold on her. Here, is where you just focus on being good company. That is it. That is all. This is more than enough until he “earns” more. Below is a chart using a few different scenarios to explain the difference between the doormat and the dreamgirl as it pertains to this principle.

“I Am Not Enough.”

She calls him often and says “Please return my call.”

She is on call like a rookie flight attendant.

She makes it obvious a relationship is her goal before she knows much about him.

When he does call her, she is mad that he didn’t call sooner.

“I Am Enough. Take It Or Leave It.”

She gets back to him when she is free.

She sees him when it is convenient for her.

She goes out to have fun and doesn’t make promises to a stranger.

When he calls her, he is curious where she is and why she isn’t there with him.

Sometimes a man deliberately won’t call, just to see how you will respond. It is human nature for a man to test the waters to see how much he can get away with. You see it in the behavior of children and pets. Pulling away is also something men do to gain reassurance. He will pull away to see how you react. Take note of your attitude and how you respond to him. Not calling or pulling away gives a man something he needs, which is the freedom to breathe, so how you react will determine if he will continue to come your way or move on.
If you start out dependent, it turns him off. But if it is something he can’t have, it becomes more of a challenge for him to get it. It is about understanding human nature and acting accordingly. When a man meets a woman that comes across as nonchalant, it becomes a challenge for him to win her affections. When a man tries to get a woman to react in a way that shows her insecurities, but she holds her own, the dynamic suddenly changes.
It is your attitude about yourself that a man will adopt. The first date is about your looks. When he actually falls in love it is about your attitude. It is all about how you hold yourself.
Act like a prize and you’ll turn him into a believer. Once you display confidence, he will become intrigued with you. How you treat yourself, he will do the same. If you treat yourself as a prize, then he will believe you are a prize. But the trick isn’t turning him on or getting him to like you, it is whether he stays turned on after he has been satisfied. Keeping the spark in the relationship. Keeping him intrigued and interested in you. You must know how to sustain this dynamic of your relationship.

Remember he may accept a doormat, but he desires a dreamgirl!

Saving Yourself

This topic is personal. Not only for me, but for some of you as well. If you like to mind your business and protect what’s yours, then this blog is for you!

Before we dive into saving ourselves, we first need to address the difference between “babying” and “saving”.

If any of the characteristics below define you, then, baby, you are babying yourself:

Letting yourself off the hook – getting yourself into something then depending on someone else to help you get out of it
Prevent yourself from elevating to a more mature place – becoming stagnant and not wanting to grow/flourish to become a better person
Allowing yourself to remain where you are – settling and being content

Saving yourself looks a bit more like this:

Being responsible for yourself – being independent
Holding yourself accountable – taking accountability for your actions
Applying the tools you have or actively seeking new tools – to successfully handle your own in any aspect
Removing yourself from toxic situations – knowing your triggers and how to effectively deal with toxicity

It is time to start saving yourself! Get a little selfish! It is okay to put yourself first when it comes to your peace, your sanity, and your drive to be a better you! Stop putting your energy and your time into things/people who does not deserve it. If something is draining you, then it is not for you! If something is causing you frustration, let it go! If anything is causing you to be tired, let it go! If there is something causing you anything but peace and happiness, then LET IT GO! And while you are letting things go, apply the tools you have to become a better you. This is personal! Save Yourself!