Love 101

How to Listen Without Getting Angry

Men and women often times become angry with one another while communicating because they tend to forget that they communicate differently. Below are some suggestions about what to do to prevent getting angry while communicating with your partner.

Remember anger comes from not understanding their point of view, and this is not their fault. Take responsibility to understand. Do not blame them for upsetting you.
Remember that feelings do not always make sense right away, but they are still valid and need empathy. During these times try to breathe deeply and do not say anything. Relax and let go of control. Try to imagine how you would feel if you were in their shoes.
Remember anger may come from not knowing what to do to make things better. Even if your partner does not immediately feel better, your listening and understanding helps. Try not to blame them for not feeling better right away.
Remember you do not have to agree to understand their point of view or to be appreciated for listening. If you wish to express a differing point of view make sure they are finished and then rephrase what you have heard before giving your own. Also, do not raise your voice.
Remember you do not have to fully understand their point of view to be a good listener. Let them know you do not understand but want to understand. Take responsibility for not understanding, but do not judge or imply they cannot be understood.
Remember you are not responsible for how they feel. Your partner may sound as if they are blaming you, but they are really just trying to be understood. At this moment, refrain from defending yourself until they feel that you understand and care. Then you can gently begin to explain yourself or apologize.
Remember that if your partner makes you really angry, then they are probably mistrusting you. Deep inside may be a girl/boy who is afraid of opening up and being hurt. Someone who needs your kindness and compassion. Do not argue with their feelings and opinions. Take a time out and discuss things later when there is less emotional charge.

When a man/woman can listen to their partner’s feelings without getting angry and frustrated, they are giving their partner a wonderful gift. You have allowed them to feel safe to express themselves. The more a woman feels understood, the more her primary love needs are fulfilled which allows her to be able to give a man the loving trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that he needs to fulfill his primary love needs (see previous post).

12 Kinds of Love

Below is a list of 6 different kinds of love a woman and man needs with explanations of each.

She needs…

Caring
- When a man shows interest in a woman’s feelings and concern for her well-being, she feels loved and cared for. He fulfills her first primary need, which causes her to begin to trust him more and be more open/receptive.
Understanding
- When a man listens without judgement, but with empathy and relatedness to a woman express her feelings, she feels heard and understood.
Respect
- When a man responds to a woman in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels respected. When his behavior takes into consideration her thoughts and feelings, she is sure to feel respected.
Devotion
- When a man gives priority to a woman’s needs and commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, then her fourth primary need is fulfilled.
Validation
- A woman’s fifth primary need is fulfilled when a man does not object to or argue with a woman’s feelings/wants but instead accepts and confirms their validity. (Remember one can validate a point of view while having a different point of view.)
Reassurance
- This primary need is fulfilled when a man repeatedly shows that he cares, understands, respects, validates, and is devoted to his partner. A man must remember to reassure her again and again throughout the relationship.

He needs…

Trust
- When a woman is open and receptive toward a man he feels trusted. When a woman’s reactions reveal a positive belief in his abilities and intentions, then his first primary love need is fulfilled. He automatically becomes more caring.
Acceptance
- When a woman lovingly receives a man without trying to change him, he feels accepted. An accepting attitude does not reject, but affirms that he is being received.
Appreciation
- When a woman acknowledges having received benefit and value from a man’s efforts and behavior, he feels appreciated. Appreciation is a natural reaction to being supported. When a man feels appreciated he is encouraged to give more.
Admiration
- To admire a man is to regard him with wonder, delight, and pleased approval. A man feels admired when she is happily amazed by his unique characteristics.
Approval
- A woman’s approving attitude acknowledges the goodness in a man and expresses overall satisfaction with him. (Remember giving approval does not mean you are in agreement.) An approving attitude recognizes or looks for the good reasons behind what he does.
Encouragement
- A woman’s encouraging attitude gives hope and courage to a man by expressing confidence in his abilities and character. When a woman’s attitude expresses the first five primary needs it encourages a man to be all that he can be.

You may have noticed that each one of these goes hand in hand. Relationships become easier when we understand our partner’s primary needs.

*Information from the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by Dr. John Gray*

When Both Partners Are Down

Lately I have been talking about intimacy cycles. If you have been reading my blogs, then I’m sure you guys are wondering what happens if you both are at your low point and can’t support the other. Well, here are 3 steps for supporting each other when you, also, need to pull away.

Accept Your Limitations

The first thing you need to do is accept that you need to pull away and have nothing to give at the moment. You cannot attentively listen to your partner, so don’t try when you know you can’t.

Understand Their Pain

Understand that your partner may need more than you are able to give at this moment. Their pain is valid, so don’t make them feel wrong for needing you. You are, also, not wrong for needing your space too. You both have to understand that now is not the time.

Avoid Arguing and Give Reassurance

Although you are not able to give the support your partner needs, you can avoid making it worse by arguing. Reassure them that you will be back and will be able to attend to them after you have taken the time needed for yourself.

Timing is very important. If you and your partner are both at a low place where you need time and space, then try reaching out to a friend. Lean on a friend for support during this time until you and your partner are able to come back together as one.

Supporting vs. Obstructing Intimacy Cycles

In previous posts, I have discussed how men are like rubber bands and women are like waves. In this post I will explain how you may support your partner’s intimacy cycle and how you may obstruct your partner’s intimacy cycle.

Supporting Men and Women

Ladies!!! Fellas!!! Whether we would like to admit it or not, we both have our low moments and we both would like to feel loved and supported during those low moments. The intimacy cycle is inevitable. It is natural. It is TEMPORARY! Sometimes we don’t even realize we are going through this cycle. All we know is that we need our time and space apart. It is okay! Since we both experience intimacy cycles, we both need the same type of support from our partner during this time. The best way to show support to your partner is to: be a listening ear, be sympathetic, and be reassuring. Reassurance is most likely needed now more than ever.

When a man or woman feels more and more supported during these difficult times, they begin to trust the relationship and is able to journey in and out of their intimacy cycles without conflict in the relationship. This is a blessing of a loving relationship. The support is a special gift that will be greatly appreciated.

Obstructing Men’s Intimacy Cycle

Although we may be on one accord when it comes to support, we obstruct each other in different ways. Two ways to obstruct a man’s intimacy cycle are by: chasing him when he pulls away and punishing him for pulling away.

Chasing Behaviors

Physical – physically following him if he walks into another room or not doing the things you would like to do so you attend to your partner
Emotional – worrying, feeling sorry, pleading, smothering him, and disapproving his need to be alone
Mental – asking guilt-inducing questions, becoming overly accommodating, and withholding true feelings

Punishing Behaviors

Physical – rejecting him when he returns (which may create an anger in him that blocks him from feeling his desire for intimacy)
Emotional – being unhappy and blaming him when he returns ( which may make him feel incapable of fulfilling you)
Mental – refusing to open up and share feelings when he returns ( which may cause a feeling of unworthiness and rejection)

If a man is not supported during his intimacy cycle, he may unconsciously create arguments because he was not able to have that space/time away that he needed. Once he grows to understand his own cycles, he will be able reassure you that when he pulls away, he will be back.

Obstructing Women’s Intimacy Cycle

“To expect a woman’s loving nature to be constant is like expecting the weather to never change and the sun to shine all the time.”

Do not try to “fix” the problem. Often times trying to help a women during her “crash” of her intimacy cycle, will backfire and make matters worse. The last thing she needs when on her way down is someone telling her why she should not be down and another thing is asking her why is she down. DO NOT DO IT! When a woman goes into her “well” her deepest issues tend to surface. 9 times out 10 it has nothing to do with your relationship. The feelings are usually heavily charged from a past relationship or her childhood.

This is a time when she needs her partner the most and it is not a problem to be solved, but an opportunity to support her with unconditional love. When a woman’s “wave crashes”, she tends to be overwhelmed, more emotionally reactive, and vulnerable. Offer her love, affection, and support. Take note, she will not necessarily feel better right away after she has received your love, affection, and supporting. Thinking this can obstruct the intimacy cycle.

Avoid obstructing each others’ intimacy cycles! When one doesn’t feel supported, eventually, they will begin to suppress their negative feelings. When negative feelings are suppressed, then positive feelings become suppressed and love dies 😦

*Information from Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by Dr. John Gray*

Women Are Like Waves

In the book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, Dr. John Gray uses the metaphor women are like waves to discuss their intimacy cycle. She rises and falls in a wave-like motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then her mood may change and her wave crashes down. After she reaches bottom, her mood will shift and she feel good about herself again. During this down time is when she needs to talk about problems and be heard and understood. Dr. Gray’s wife referred to the experience of “crashing” or “going down” for a woman is like going into a dark well. When a woman goes into her “well” she is consciously sinking into her unconscious self, into darkness and diffused feeling. She may experience a host of unexplained emotions and vague feelings.

A woman’s ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. If she isn’t feeling good about herself, then it best to go into her well until she can’t go any deeper. When a woman’s wave crashes, it is a time of emotional cleansing. Without this cleansing, a woman slowly loses her ability to love and grow in love. It is important to tend to all of the emotions (positive and negative) she is feeling. Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave of their feelings experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS). There is a strong correlation between PMS and the inability to cope with feelings in a positive way. In some cases, women who have learned to successfully deal with their feelings during their intimacy cycle have felt their PMS symptoms disappear. However, that is a topic for a different day!

It is best to show support during this time. Don’t be judgmental. Don’t give criticism. Don’t try to help. Just simply support her during the “crash” of her intimacy cycle. Listen, be attentive, and show you care!

Men Are Like Rubber Bands

In the book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, Dr. John Gray used the metaphor “men are like rubber bands” to help better understand a man’s intimacy cycle.

A man needs time apart from his partner to fulfill his need for independence and autonomy. He automatically alternates between the two and may not be able to give a clear explanation of why because its an innate behavior. When they pull away, like a rubber band, they only stretch so far before they come springing back.

A man may pull away and distance himself for the same reason a woman does. Below are a few examples:

don’t trust their partner to understand their feelings
being afraid of being hurt again
has done something wrong and disappointed their partner

Once a man pulls away, his whole attitude begins to shift. There is a transformation. Without pulling away he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be close. After “springing back”, the man who did not seem to care about or be interested in his partner, suddenly, cannot live without her. He feels a need for intimacy again.

After fulfilling his need of independence and autonomy (stretching of the rubber band), then fulfilling his need of intimacy (springing back), the rubber band is now limp. The intimacy cycle starts all over again. It is a process.

In order for this process to run smoothly and cause as less confusion/friction as possible within the relationship, there needs to be a level of understanding on both sides. A man needs to understand before a woman may be able to open up again to him after his break, she may wants/needs time and conversation to reconnect. A woman needs to understand that this is natural and she should not take anything personal. It is, actually, quite beneficial to the dynamics of the relationship.

5 Ways to Take a Break

Sometimes in a relationship it is best to take a break. But did you know there are different types of breaks? Here are 5 different ways to take a break if you are considering some time apart from your partner.

The “blackout” break means there is absolutely NO CONTACT! No texts…no phone calls…until the break is over!

Not setting parameters during the break. Not establishing what is acceptable and unacceptable while on a break from each other.

The “monogamy” break means you cannot date other people. This a break to focus on you, your partner, and your relationship while taking a step away from each other.

The “prelude” break means you know your relationship is about to end, but you try to prolong it by taking a break to possibly fix everything.

“Ghosting”

When you go M.I.A. without any warning and never talk to them again. A break that lasts forever!

L.U.V.

While being quarantined at home, I have been doing nothing but watching television. So this article was inspired by Marriage Boot Camp (Hip Hop Edition) with Dr. Ish. He discussed relationships need L.U.V.

L.U.V.

Listen to your partner without interrupting and really take in everything they are saying.

L.U.V.

Understand what your partner has said to you. Take the time to process everything which you have heard.

L.U.V.

Validate what your partner has said before you respond. Repeat back to them exactly what you heard and what you have taken away from the conversation before you respond.

Before “I Do”

There are 5 things to take into consideration before committing to one person for the rest of your life.

Make sure they, truly, love you…flaws and all!
Know for a fact that the love will NEVER change.
TRUST that they will protect you, love you, and honor you!
Know for a fact that this person is the one and ONLY person for you.
This person has proven that he/she will love you unconditionally.

*Information from Always a Bridesmaid movie on Netflix*

Dating Precautions

If you are out on the dating scene, then take a look at these 5 types of people to be aware of!

Micro Dating

These people have all the sauce! A little too much sauce. They are sharing flavors with any and every body!

Love Bombing

Those who do the absolute MOST! Comes off as a little too much too soon within the relationship.

Textationship

The one who only communicates via text messages or by sliding in the DMs. No phone calls, no FaceTime calls, and no spending time together.

Side Bar

Those who are more interested in their devices than you.

Dating by Committee

When friends get involved. They are always stating their opinions about your relationship. Possibly giving advice that was not asked for. Maybe even take over the phone and write the messages for you.

*Information stolen from Always a Bridesmaid movie on Netflix*