Women Get Bored

As women, once we get bored, we feel the need to get another degree or start a small business. Women are actually the fastest growing group of entrepreneurship. If you feel like you are bored with life and unsatisfied about certain aspects of your life, reevaluate what you are doing!

There are times where we feel like we are stuck in a repeated cycle. We wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, and repeat it all the next day. If you are feeling this way, then consider a new hobby. Hobbies are activities that we do for fun. Engaging in leisurely activities is proven to increase positive moods and help positively balance emotions.

Be careful of allowing your hobby to become a side hustle. If that is not your intentions of the hobby that you enjoy, then do not let your hobby become another job. Focus on the WHY. Why are you bored? Why are you feeling stuck? Why are you looking for something to do? Why did you choose this hobby?

Find things to do that you enjoy. Go back to your childhood and participate in hobbies you did as a child. These activities should bring you peace, joy, and happiness. This will allow you to move forward and out of a complacent state.

Daily Deeps

At the start of my relationship with my fiancé, I used to ask a lot of “off the wall” questions and think of random scenario questions. So much so that my fiancé, who was a guy I was just casually talking to at the time and getting to know, named these conversations “daily deeps”. I love getting deep with people and this allowed our connection to blossom, which led us to committing and now being engaged!

So, get to know someone before committing to them. Get to know their values, vision (short term and long term), lifestyle, daily routines, past, and present. Know what makes them happy, sad, and mad. Know their temptations and wildest dreams. Know their fears and hesitations. Literally any and every thing that you can think of!

While getting to know someone, assess yourself as well to see if you are in alignment. Self assess and foresee a future with this person to know whether a relationship is worth committing to. There is no certain time frame. No certain number of questions to ask. No cookie cutter plan to go by when getting to know someone. However, it should be genuine, authentic, and come easily/naturally.

Tip: Accept the person for who they really are. Not the idea of them or the potential they may have. They should already meet your expectations and standards!

Security

As I am studying to become a Marriage and Family Therapist, I was assigned a reading related to Emotion-Focused Therapy. This model of therapy uses the integration of attachment theory and the emotional system. In previous blogs, I have explained attachment styles and pursue/withdraw patterns. If you not have read those, then please do so beforehand to get a better understanding of this blog!

Humans have a need for secure attachment relationships across a lifespan. It is proven that secure attachment affects our physical health, although there are not any specifics that are identifiable. However, this is not the only attachment style that affects us. Avoidant attachment styles are correlated with pain-related complaints. Anxious attachment styles are correlated with cardiovascular conditions.

Bowlby’s attachment style conceptualises adult love. Understanding adult love means understanding that humans need secure relationships to emotionally self-regulate. Security is the goal!

Depending on a person’s attachment style and how they manage their primary emotions (initial reactions to situations) and secondary emotions (emotions about their emotions) determines whether they are usually a pursuer or withdrawer. Now, couples typically present one of four basic pursue/withdraw patterns within their relationship:

  • pursue/withdraw – one partner is pursuing while the other is withdrawing
  • withdraw/withdraw – the one who was pursuing has burned out
  • attack/attack – withdrawing becomes fights and anger provoked by pursuit
  • complex cycles – trauma survivor couples which involves high levels of anxiety and avoidance

With that being said, I think it is best that we dive into ten principles of emotional theory:

  • Desire to be connected to others is an intrinsic physiological need of all humans
  • Neither complete independence nor over dependence is possible, only effective or ineffective
  • Secure attachment reduces psychological and physiological effects of stresses in life
  • Secure attachment allows adults to feel free to experience exploration, innovation, and openness
  • Being emotionally accessible and responsive is established via secure attachment
  • Fear and uncertainty activates attachment needs
  • If attachment needs are not met, then a person may experience responses of anger, clinging, depression, and despair. Distress is experienced as a primal survival need which explains, but not justify, cruel acts committed in the name of love.
  • When a secure relationship no longer feels secure, then anxious patterns, avoidance patterns, or a combination of both are created.
  • People use the quality of attachments to define themselves and others as lovable, worthy, or competent. They develop a sense of what can be expected and how to engage in relationships.

I provide you with all of this information with hopes of giving you a better understanding of the different types of people in a relationship. Things to consider about you and your partner. Ways to effectively create and maintain a healthy relationship. I am aware that there are many things to take into consideration about dating and relationships such as love languages, apology languages, matching energies, etc. But step by step we all will be happily in love with this knowledge under our belts!

*Information from Theory and Treatment Planning in Family Therapy by Gehart*

S.P.I.C.E It Up

Information gathered from a relationship coach, Spicy Mari.

Below is a 5 step process geared toward spicing up your relationship and building intimacy with your partner.

Self

The self is the blueprint for any relationship. Understanding yourself as an individual and your partner as their own individual is the first step before successfully accomplishing anything else. Take note of where masculine and feminine energy is present within the relationship dynamic. Is there a balance between the two energies with you and your partner? Consider spirituality. Your zodiac signs? Are you and your partner right brain driven or left brain driven? All of these things affect the connection between you and your partner.

Passion

A way to create passion is space. Taking the time to withhold something creates desire. Understanding intimacy and connecting with your partner on different levels also creates passion. There are 6 levels of intimacy:

  • Emotional
  • Financial
  • Spiritual
  • Recreational
  • Intellectual
  • Sexual

Intimacy

Share. Inquire. Respond.

Share with your partner. Inquire with your partner. Respond to your partner.

Communication

Check in with your partner day to day, week to week, or however you best see fit. Be clear about your expectations. Do not drift from set expectations. Be verbal about any concerns. Communicate in a healthy way that is beneficial to your relationship.

Yes

Learn to say yes. It is okay to simply say “yes” to your partner. Pick and choose when to agree or disagree.

10 Self Love Mantras

@themantraco

  1. I chose to stop apologizing for being me.
  2. I deserve all that is good.
  3. I radiate confidence, self-respect, and inner harmony.
  4. My voice is valuable and my opinion matters.
  5. I love my body and all it does for me.
  6. I choose to be grateful for all that I have.
  7. I consciously release the past and live only in the present.
  8. I attract wonderful people into my life.
  9. I am creating a beautiful life.
  10. I am worthy of love and attention.

TTP: Self Love

Love begins from within

Accepting your body takes practice. Loving your body takes practice. It takes constant work each and every day. Some days are easy and some days are hard. Take time to look at your body completely naked in a full body mirror each day. Notice things about your body that you may like and dislike. Grow to love everything you see. Your body, today, will change and be different body in a few years. This is why the journey of self love never ends. There are many different rituals and practices available to help assist you with accepting and loving your body. Experiment and figure out what works best for you.

On “The Principles of Pleasure” a lady says confidence is knowing what is true about your body, but joy is loving what is true about your body.

Take a look below at different quotes that promote body positivity, self care, and self love!

“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.”

Robert Marley

“Beauty is when you can appreciate yourself. When you love yourself, that’s when you’re most beautiful.”

Zoe Kravitz

“Breathe. Let go. Remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”

Oprah Winfrey

“You define beauty yourself. Society doesn’t define your beauty.”

Lady Gaga

Daily Reminder: “Don’t let your mind bully your body.”

June Tamaso Wood

“Speak to your body in a loving way. It’s the only one you’ve got. It’s your home and it deserves your respect.

Iskra Lawrence

“Feeling confident. Being comfortable in your skin–that’s what really makes you beautiful.”

Bobbi Brown

It is time to love yourself, respect yourself, admire yourself, forgive yourself, accept yourself, and nurture yourself. Today’s the day!

TTP: Interoception

Continuing on with our blog series based on the informative Netflix show, The Principles of Pleasure. This week we are getting a better understanding of interoception and masturbation.

Think of your interoception as your sixth sense. It is the ability to know what is transpiring inside of your body. The ability and power of knowing what your body likes and dislikes. A way of knowing more about what your body likes/dislikes is by masturbating! Masturbation, along with the whole idea of sex, is shamed upon based on different cultures, religions, movies, tv shows, social media, etc. but this is the only way to fully learn your body.

There is a ladder when it comes to masturbation. The first step is using a finger/fingers. In the middle, would be the small vibrators, dildos, and butt plugs. Then, at the top of the ladder are the big vibrators, dildos, and butt plugs. It is best to start small and move your way up.

Remember that sex toys are tools. The purpose of a sex toy is NOT to replace human interaction! Also, do not forget the lube! Lube is important to prevent tears and preventing tears prevents infections caused by bacteria. Lastly, if you choose to use butt plugs, be sure the plug has a base. The base allows you to be able to pull the plug back out.

Key benefits to masturbating: sleeping better at night, reducing stress, helping manage anxiety, etc.

If interested in buying sex toys, then please visit Yoni’s Pleasure.

TTP: Obstacles

Let’s the discuss the obstacles men and women face when in the bedroom. Sometimes it may be mentally, physically, or hormonal.

Mentally

There is constantly a mind/body connection happening 24/7. Your brain is what sends a signal to your body to move. Your body (sensations) sends a signal to the cognitive, memorable part of your brain and the brain sends a signal back of whether it likes it or not. This may be an obstacle when it comes to sexual pleasure or desire because the brain remembers traumatic experiences. If you experience a sensation that your brain remembers to be unsatisfying, then it will not be pleasurable. Mental obstacles also occur just by simply being in a cluttered head space. Your mind could, literally, be playing mind games and not be in the right space for human interaction.

Physically

Physical obstacles are pretty self explanatory…if you are physically hurt or not feeling well, then of course that may effect your mood and capabilities.

Hormonal

This section is for the women. There are 3 primary sex hormones: estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone. Two of them are found in women during the ovulatory cycle. There are 2 phases during an ovulatory cycle: Follicular and Literal. During the Follicular Phase, estrogen is at its highest peak. This causes women to move more, be more active, and eat less. During the Literal Phase, progesterone is at its highest peak. This hormone causes women to be more sleepy and tired. Birth control may, also, be an obstacle as it has a different effect on different women, but it is known to minimize sexual desire/pleasure as well.

TTP: Orgasms

Orgasm: a climax of sexual excitement, characterized by feelings of pleasure centered in the genitals and (in men) experienced as an accompaniment to ejaculation.

Google

50% of women think they have experienced an orgasm, but have not. Reason being most men do not know how to and, sadly, most men do not care about the woman’s pleasure. 1/3 women orgasm from vaginal penetration. ONLY 1/3! For most women, the clitoris is the main thing. *refer to “It’s the Clit for Me blog from Love 101 posted November 25, 2020*

There are 6 different types of orgasms: clitoral, vaginal, blended, anal, erogenous, and convulsing.

Orgasm Type

Clitoral

Vaginal

Blended

Anal

Erogenous

Convulsing

What It Can Feel Like

Tingly feeling on surface of body

Pulsations of the vaginal walls

Full body trembles

Contractions of the anal canal

Stimulating nipples, neck, ears, etc

Orgasms in the pelvic floor muscles

How to Explore

Apply fast/hard pressure to clitoris

Body part/toy stimulates “G-spot”

Combine clitoral and vaginal

Tapping, circling, and pressing

Experiment with a feather

Getting close to an orgasm and stop

***Key Notes to Remember***

  1. The “G-spot” is not an actual thing that exists. It is the clitoris being penetrated and aroused from within.
  2. Please use lube when penetrating the anal canal. The anal does not self lubricate!
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