Blaming others for our pain is our go-to mechanism. We are quick to demonize rather than empathize. The culture of blame keeps us safe.
There is a cultural storyline that glorifies transformation. Suffering, in fact, allows you to grow. Unaddressed, unacknowledged pain does not go away. Feeling WITH yourself and others (empathy) is the hallmark of development. Pain has to be given true space to be welcomed and understood. Do not rush redemption!
Safety is what we want the most. Safety in the form of love, companionship, and connection. Telling the truth allows us to connect. We can recognize pain and grief as a healthy response to loss. We can respond with grace, rather than blame. We can respond by loving one another. Acknowledgement is the only real medicine to grief.
Reference: Devine, Megan. (2017). It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. Sounds True, Inc.
The stages of grief were developed by Kübler-Ross. According to her, an individual who is grieving is expected to move through a series of clear stages: denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, to eventually arrive at “acceptance” at which is a time that their “grief work” should be complete. However, later, Kübler-Ross stated that she did not intend for these stages to be linear and universal. These stages are what individuals MIGHT experience in the chaos that comes along with loss, death, and grief. Again, I say that grief is as individual as love. Every life and every path is different and unique. A “happy ending” looks different to every individual.
Being Brave
Although each individual is different and unique, each individual will be brave. Brave as in waking up each day to face what the day has in store when you would rather remain in bed and stop waking up. Being brave as in staying present to your own heart. Being brave is letting your pain unravel and take up all the space that it needs in that moment. Being brave is telling THAT story.
Reference
Devine, Megan. (2017). It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. Sounds True, Inc.
As humans, it is part of who we are to want to make others feel better. We want to help and we want to be helped. However, grieving individuals often feel shamed and dismissed. There is not a Grief Olympics! Grief is as individual as love – each loss is different and not one is the same. Although there is not a Grief Olympics, there is a Grief Hierarchy. Divorcing from a partner is not the same as the death of a partner. The death of a grandparent is not the same as a death of a child. Losing a job is not the same as losing a limb. However, what we need to remember is to honor all griefs. Whether small or large, honor all griefs and do not compare.
If you cringe or feel angry when someone is trying to comfort you, then they do not see you. As an individual who is grieving, you need to feel seen and heard. The reality of your loss should be reflected back to you and not diminished. Everyone should acknowledge the pain.
As I have already stated throughout my series of blogs on grief, grief is not a problem that needs a solution, it is an experience to be carried. The work to be done during this time is to find and receive support and comfort that will help you live with your new reality. Companionship is the way forward.
This information was gathered while reading “It’s OK That You’re Not OK” by Megan Devine.
No matter what anyone says, grief is not a problem.
It is not “wrong”, it is not an “illness”, and it cannot be “fixed” or “cured”. Acknowledgment is everything at this time. You are in pain and it cannot be made better. However, you do not need solutions. You do not need to move on from it. You need to see it, acknowledge it, and learn how to carry it.
Everything is different now.
There is no place in your life that this grief has not touched, but it is important to remember that grief is a part of love. It is a natural extension of love; love for life, love for self, love for others. What you are feeling is love and love sometimes can be really hard. Though, through self-work, many difficulties can be transformed.
There are losses that rearrange the world.
There are losses we experience that we did not ask for and did not see coming. During this difficult time, it is about how YOU choose to survive and live inside the love that remains.
Reference
Devine, Megan. (2017). It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. Sounds True, Inc.
Endometriosis is when tissue similar to the tissue that lines the uterus begins to grow outside the uterus.
In this gynecological disorder, some of the uterine cells that normally shed during menstruation attach themselves elsewhere in the body. Typically, they attach within the pelvic cavity. An interesting fact about endometriosis is that the level of pain it causes does not indicate the level of its severity. Someone with this condition may or may not have any symptoms. There are three signs that are most common, but even some women with Endometriosis do not experience: intense menstrual cramps, pain during intercourse, and infertility.
Other Symptoms of Endometriosis
Chronic pelvic pain
Premenstrual spotting
Fatigue
Heavy/Irregular Bleeding
Painful urination
Low grade fever
Treatments for Endometriosis
Nonsteroidal antiinflammatory drugs
Hormonal birth control
Gonadotropin releasing hormone agonists
Surgery
Seek Physician
If you believe you may have Endometriosis, then please contact your gynecologist.
In the previous blog post, I mentioned ovulation usually occurs between phases 1 and 2 of a woman’s cycle. A woman could have an extremely delayed ovulation due to stress or other factors, not ovulating until day 30 or so. This would result in a 44-day cycle.
Factors that affect ovulation:
Illness
Travel
Weight gain/loss
Ovarian cysts
Exercise
Stress
Medical causes for anovulation:
Hypothyroidism
Endometriosis
POI
PCOS
Hyperprolactinemia
Ovarian Cysts
Ovarian cysts are enlarged fluid-filled sacs on the ovary. They are usually benign and resolve themselves. If cyst(s) causes pain, then further treatment may be required such as progesterone injections Surgery to remove the cyst should be the last resort as it may cause infertility. There are different types of ovarian cysts. A functional cyst may occur once or often. It allows normal functioning and resolves on its own. A follicular cyst is a result of when a follicle surrounding an egg grows to encase the egg instead of releasing the egg, which prevents ovulation. The follicle that encases the egg is known as the Luteinized Unruptured Follicle (LUF). This type of cyst usually goes away on its own as well, but can be treated with a progesterone injection. Another type of ovarian cyst is the corpus luteum cyst which forms in the opening where the egg was released and is filled with excess fluid or blood. This type of cyst resolves on its own as well. Dermoid, Cystadenoma/Cystoma, and Endometrioma are types of ovarian cysts as well. In most cases, ovarian cysts resolve themselves, but if they tend to cause pain then seek treatment from a physician.
I will further discuss medical causes for anovulation such as Endometriosis and PCOS in the upcoming weeks’ blog posts.
“Temperature risin’…your body’s callin’…” *shoutout to Tory Lanez*
A woman’s temperature can determine a lot about her cycle. Whether she is ovulating at all, whether the second phase of her cycle is long enough for the egg to implant in her uterus, and whether she conceived during that cycle. There are 3 different phases of a woman’s cycle.
Cycle Phases
The first phase is the Follicular/Estrogenic Phase. Here is where the pituitary gland of the brain releases a hormone to stimulate the production of follicles on the surface of an ovary. This phase, typically, lasts 13-14 days. One of the follicles produced will mature into an egg.
The second phase is the Luteal/Progestational Phase. This phase should last at least 10 days, but typically lasts anywhere from 12-16 days.
Ovulation is a tricky phase. It, typically, occurs between phases 1 and 2, however, there are circumstances where it may occur after phase 2. This phase is when the egg is released from an ovary and moves along a fallopian tube towards the uterus. We will go more in depth about ovulation in next week’s blog post.
Preovulatory temperatures are suppressed by estrogen. Postovulatory temperatures are increased by progesterone. These are the hormones produced during the follicular phase and the luteal phase. When temperatures begin to rise, there are 12-16 days until menstruation starts. 18 consecutive high temperatures after ovulation almost always indicate a pregnancy. Once you notice high temperatures consecutively, it may be in your best interest to take a pregnancy test. Pregnancy tests detect human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG). This is a pregnancy hormone produced once a fertilized egg is burrowed into the lining of the uterus. This sends a signal to the corpus luteum to stay alive and continue to produce progesterone. After a few months, placenta will take over and provide needed nutrients. A false pregnancy test could mean it was taken too soon before the HCG levels became high enough to be detected in urine.
Anywhere between 21 to 35 days is a normal length for your menstrual cycle. The regularity of your cycle indicates fertility or infertility. 1 in 6 couples are infertile. However, many are misled to believe that they are infertile when, in fact, they are fertile. There are 3 primary fertility signs:
cervical fluid
waking temperatures
cervical position
There are many reasons women are led to believe they are infertile:
Infertility is assumed if pregnancy has not occurred within a year
Many doctors overlook obvious solutions
Many fertility tests are timed inappropriately
The commonly used ovulation predictor kits can be misleading
Irregular cycles are assumed to be problematic
Many clinicians focus on basal body temperatures rather than cervical fluid
Women are often needlessly prescribed an ovulatory drug such as Clomid
Women are often led to believe that they are not getting pregnant when they are actually having miscarriages
The Antimullerian Hormone (AMH) Test and an Antral Follicle Count are two ways to test fertility. Healthy reproductive organs, a long phase of fertile-quality cervical fluid, and/or short cycles with more ovulation time leads to “fertile myrtles”.
Learn your body. Be aware of what is happening within your body. Talk to your physician. Advocate for yourself!
Green flags are words, behaviors, and feelings that makes someone feel seen, heard, safe, healthy, and supported by the other. With that being said this is not an all or nothing situation. Everyone is human. Everyone makes mistakes. These are green flags in terms of how you typically feel around the person. A nine times out of ten situation. Even in times of conflict, you still feel safe and supported. *Safe and supported in relation to emotional as well as physical*
Green flags to look out for in relationships (romantic, platonic, friendship, colleagues)
High Self Awareness
Treat others well
Genuinely feel good around them
Respect boundaries
Has empathy
Has own life & supports you having your own life
Actively working to be a healthy communicator
You are a team or partnership
What may seem like green flags
Not fighting with each other is often looked at as a green flag, but there is never a time of conflict between you and your partner, then that means you are suppressing emotions.
Sex as main means of connecting…physical attraction and the satisfaction of pleasure should not be the main component of your relationship.
*Information gathered from the Cultivating H.E.R. Space podcast*
If there was a picture beside “green flags” in the urban dictionary, then it should be these two men from Love is Blind on Netflix!
Ever had the thought cross your mind that maybe you are the problem? Maybe you are. I know it sounds harsh, but it is real. Let’s talk about things that may make you undateable.
Bad Dating History
Dating many people can be a positive and a negative. It is great to explore your options and get to know what you really want and are looking for in a partner. However, someone pursuing you and interested in dating you may see your dating history as a red flag.
Also, take into consideration the type of people you are dating. Do not let failed attempts deter you from continuing to date. It may just be the type of person you are dating is not the type of person you are actually looking to settle down with. If this is the case, then do not let the bad dating history take over. Switch it up and see how it goes.
Not Being Vulnerable
Are you opening up and sharing information with your partner or the person you are dating? To make a connection with someone, you must be vulnerable. You have to allow people into your world. It is understandable to take baby steps. I am not saying to be an open book, but dig deep and allow others to understand who you truly are.
Own your story! Whatever you think may scare someone away, may actually draw them closer. Being confident and owning your story is seen as attractive and intriguing to the right person. Their reaction to whatever you are opening up to them about will tell you information about their character.
Power of the Tongue
“People will think of you how you speak of yourself.” I am not sure who deserves credit for that statement, but it is true. The tongue is very powerful. If you are talking bad about yourself in any way, shape, or form, then the person you are dating are going to feel the same way about you. “You cannot love someone else if you do not love yourself” is also a common saying that is very accurate. Speak positivity over you, your life, and your companionship. Speaking highly of yourself and truly believing it will allow others to do the same. They will realize that you are the catch!
Schedules
Everyone has their own lives and day to day schedules. Take a minute and go through your day to day schedule. From the moment you wake up in the morning to the time you go to bed at night and note everything that you do. Do you have time to date? Are these times consistent?
Compromise
Everyone likes to be courted and feel desired. Everyone loves to receive, but not everyone loves to give. When it comes to dating, be willing to compromise. Everything does not have to be 50/50, however it should not be 100/0 or 90/10. If the person you are dating are always the one to come to see you, then offer to go to them. If they are always the one planning the dates, then surprise them and plan a date yourself. If they are constantly complimenting you, then simply compliment them (beat them to it if you can).
Are you able to maintain a healthy balance? Are you able to be understanding? Are you able to empathize? If you were skeptical or answered “no” to any of those questions, then maybe you are undateable.
Next Steps
After determining whether you are undateable or dateable, decide on what your next steps should be. I am not the one to tell you what those next steps are. The steps you take depends on the outcome you would like. If you are okay with not dating at the moment, then that is perfectly fine! Focus on you! If you are trying to date at the moment, but some of the topics discussed in this blog pertains to you, then it is your choice on what to do next.
After having conversations with friends and listening to the podcast tagged below, I understand many people do not realize if they are the ones who are undateable. I am one to uplift others and give a positive word, however sometimes we need to hear the hard truth.
Love 101 