Love 101

TTP: Vulva, Vagina, Yoni

Let’s discuss terminology

Vulva

The vulva is the outer part of a woman’s genitals. The vulva is made up of a mons pubis, clitoral hood, clitoris, urethra, labia majora, labia minora, and vaginal opening.

The mons pubis is the hair-bearing area of skin that is overlaying the pubic bones. This area is bonded superiorly by the pubic hairline and inferiorly by the clitoris. The purpose of the mons pubis is to provide a source of cushioning during sexual intercourse as it is a fatty tissue.

The clitoral hood is a fold of skin meant to protect the clitoris. Remember every vulva is unique. Therefore, everyone’s hood is a bit different in terms of size.

The clitoris is the center of pleasure of the vulva. The clitoris has at least 8,000 nerve endings. Again, each woman’s body is different. Here there will be in a difference in not only the size, but the sensitivity as well.

The urethra is the part of the vulva that allows urine to leave the body.

The labia majora is a pair of rounded folded skin that protects the inner, more delicate and sensitive parts of the vulva.

The inner folds are called the labia minora, which is a pair of rounded folded skin that protects the urethra and vagina. Some labia minora may stick out and not be hidden as each vulva is unique.

Then, we have the vagina.

Vagina

Scientifically, the vagina is the reproductive organ of a woman’s body. The vagina is a canal with a soft, flexible lining that provides lubrication and sensation. This part of the body allows the uterus and cervix to connect with the outside world for menstrual and reproductive purposes.

Yoni

Yoni is a Sanskrit word that has been interpreted to literally mean the womb and female organs. It is a word used within the Hinduism religion that symbols the feminine power and as a goddess. Hence, this why I named my brand Yoni’s Pleasure.

This concludes our vocabulary session LOL. But, it is important to use the correct terminology when referring to a woman’s body. It is important to know that each body is uniquely made. Knowledge is power!

TTP: Sex Ed

TTP (The Principles of Pleasure)

Pleasure…..the idea that pleasure is allowed only by certain people at certain times in specific ways is OLD SCHOOL. Pleasure should include everyone!

Welcome to my TTP Series. This is the first blog about The Principles of Pleasure (new Netflix series, please check it out) where I will address Sex Ed. There will be many to come, so please join me each week as we dive into different factors of receiving and giving pleasure.

Sex Ed

First of all, everyone in middle/high school does not take a sex ed class. If they do take advantage of this option, then it is very vague. The teacher only goes over the bare minimum, which is usually how a baby is made. However, it is much more complex. Sex is such a taboo topic that makes many uncomfortable to talk about. Therefore, young adults refer to television and social media for answers. TV, subconsciously, teaches us about gender roles, body shaming, what sex “looks” like, where sex should happen, and who should be in control.
Sex ed is important because there is power in knowing your body, especially for women. The number one myth about a woman’s body is that a hymen can be checked as a “virginity check”. This is absolutely inaccurate! Hymens stretch and if there is a time it breaks, it will heal like ALL skin heals. Also, another fact that is important to know and understand is that we all start out the same in the womb. It is not until around 5-6 weeks when things begin to shift on the body to determine if a baby is a boy or girl. Those are only two points when there are many more to address.

The moral of the story and the point of my TED Talk today is:

Have these conversations with your children! Do not be ashamed. Do not be timid. Be prepared for the questions they will have and be open to answering them! Knowledge is power!

Weaponized Incompetence

Also known as strategic incompetence, weaponized incompetence refers to a situation wherein a person pretends to be bad at doing something in order to get out of doing certain tasks. It can pertain to any task at all but usually manifests itself in home life settings, like care tasks, leading to domestic inequalities.
Modern Intimacy

Weaponized incompetence is an issue I have been seeing quite frequently lately. As the quote states above, this is, typically, an issue within the household when it comes to the household chores. Nine times out of ten, the men are the ones who display signs of weaponized incompetence, but women are not excluded. Take a lot at the chart below to understand how to go about weaponized incompetence.

“It’ll be easier or get done sooner if I just do it myself”
They think they are helping, but are not
Invisible work (behind the scenes work)
Gender roles

Have the conversation and bring it to their attention
Set clear boundaries
Let your partner see the work you are doing
Help your partner when needed but do NOT baby them

Protecting Your Crown

As African American women, we refer to our hair as our crown. We are all Black Queens and as a queen, it is important to protect and honor your crown. Below are ways to ensure that you are protecting your crown.

Maintenance

It is important to, literally, show TLC to your crown. Wash, detangle, moisturize, style, etc. Whatever your haircare routine may be is vital to protecting your crown. Various protective styles are, also, a great way to protect your crown. Lastly, good, LICENSED beauticians are super important because everyone does not have “good hands” or “growing hands”.

Hold Your Head High

Here, I am referring to an imaginary crown; the one that should be worn on top of our hair crown. That crown must be protected as well. As black women, we tend to carry a lot on our shoulders and wear many “hats” as we journey through life. Although we are known to be such strong women, there are times when we are overwhelmed and tend to let our heads drop down. Once our head drops down, our crown begins to slip. This is a reminder to keep your head held high! Keep being the black queen you are! Also, whenever you see another sista with her head down, enlighten her and lift her head back up. It is okay to adjust your friend’s crown. That is what friends are for!

House and Senate

If you are not aware, the House just passed The Crown Act and has been passed on to the Senate as of March 18, 2022. This bill prohibits discrimination against our crowns!

What’s Your Apology Language?

The 5 Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman

I’m sure many of you have heard about the 5 love languages and, hopefully, you all have taken the love language quiz to determine how you like to give/receive love. Gary Chapman, the author of The 5 Languages of Love, also wrote a book titled The 5 Languages of Apology because they both are necessary in a healthy relationship. Take a look at the 5 apology languages:

Expressing Regret – This apology language is an admission of guilt and shame for causing someone pain. This type of apology shows remorse and includes the effects of your hurtful actions. Expressing regret takes full ownership of your wrongdoing. This type of apology is a sincere commitment to repair the relationship.
Accepting Responsibility – This apology language is admitting to your mistakes and accepting responsibility for your failures. We all are going to make poor decisions and we all must admit when we are wrong. Saying “I am wrong”does not only accept responsibility, but shows you are sincere and the apology was meaningful.
Making Restitution – This apology language includes finding a way to correct the situation. This ties into knowing your partner’s love language because if you know their love language, then it is easier to make restitution in an effective way. For example, if your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, then buying them a gift as an apology would show them the sincerity in your apology.
Genuinely Repenting – A change of behavior is required with this type of apology. Saying “I’m sorry” is not enough with this apology language. You make a plan for change. This could be the convincing factor in an apology to show your partner your desire to modify your behavior. Being vulnerable to admit your wrongs and verbalizing your desire to change shows how sincere you are.
Requesting Forgiveness – In some relationships, a partner may want to hear you physically ask for forgiveness. They want assurance that their partner recognizes the need for forgiveness. On the other end, this type of apology leaves time for their partner to process everything and leaves space for things to return back to normal. Asking for forgiveness gives the hurting partner the power and the time to make a decision.

How do you apologize? How do you like to receive an apology? Still unsure? Then, try taking the short quiz!

Are You Dating a Softboy?

A softboy is a fckboy, but without the cocky attitude. The softboy appears to be emotionally literate and is attuned to his/your feelings. He (it’s usually a he) replies promptly to texts, listens carefully to your problems and genuinely seems like an all-round good person. But, he’s prone to leaving a trail of broken – not to mention baffled – hearts in his wake. Yes, there are plenty of men who are just genuinely kind, emotionally mature people, but the reality is, softboys do exist on the modern dating scene – and they’re master manipulators. By using a caring pretense, they manipulate their romantic partner into doing exactly what they want.
Urban Dictionary

From my understanding, as this term is new to me, a softboy is just a nicer version of a fckboy. He likes to seem as if he cares and he has your best interest at heart, but only so you do not speculate his fckboy behavior. He wants to be seen as a nice guy in your eyes, so you will be blind to his misogyny. Stay woke ladies!

We are all familiar with the famous singer/rapper Drake. Most of us love Drake. However, Drake falls into the category of a softboy. On his latest album, Certified Lover Boy, he definitely made the world aware of his toxic masculinity traits. But, because he was accepting and acknowledging of these traits and because he was being nice/sensitive toward the “women” in each song, it was deemed acceptable. He tells girls everything they want to hear and treats them real well. But at the end of the day, he continues to be a fckboy…or, now with this new term, a softboy!

Long story short…do not fall for the toxic fakeness!

Eliminate Negative Thinking

It can be difficult to tell the difference between negative thinking and everyday worries or anxieties that everyone experiences. When thoughts become too intrusive and unrelenting is when it becomes negative thinking. You must understand how to overcome negative thinking and doing so will allow you to become resilient to change, safeguard your mental health, and become more capable of dealing with challenges.

Those who struggle with negative thinking, typically, suffer from low self-esteem and low self confidence. They are a lot of factors that play into negative thinking, but the most common is depression with OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) being the next.

Ineffective Ways to Eliminate Negative Thinking

ignoring the thoughts
using distractions
indulging in drugs/alcohol
bargaining with the thoughts
sleeping it off

Effective Ways

changing your body language
talking through your thoughts
journaling
seeking a therapist/anxiety coach

Reframe Your Menstrual Cycle

Information gathered from the Balanced Black Girl podcast

Things that can effect your cycle:

exposure to sunlight/moonlight
birth control
stress/anxiety

4 Phases of Your Cycle

Menstruation is the elimination of the thickened lining of the uterus. Fluid contains blood, cells of the lining, and mucus. During this phase estrogen and progesterone are very low, your mood tends to be low, and, typically, your energy level is low.

The Follicular Phase starts on the first day of menstruation and ends with ovulation. This hormone stimulates the ovary to produce around 5 to 20 follicles, however, only one will mature into an egg. This can occur around day 10 of the 28-day cycle. The follicle stimulates the lining of the thicken in preparation of potential pregnancy. During this phase estrogen begins to rise, you begin to think more clearly, and begin to interact with people more.

Ovulation is the phase where the mature egg is released from the surface of the ovary. This usually occurs around 2 weeks before menstruation starts. Ovulation is triggered by high levels of a luteinising hormone which causes the egg to funnel through the Fallopian tube towards the uterus. The lifespan of the egg is 24 hours unless it meets a sperm cell during its time. During this phase estrogen is at its peak and you, typically, feel really great.

Luteal is a somewhat complicated stage. Progesterone rises and estrogen lowers, which allows women to do some emotional processing. This is the PMS phase. This is the phase women are usually tested for pregnancy via urine test. How does urine determine pregnancy? During the ovulation phase, the egg bursts from its follicle, but the ruptured follicle still sits on the surface of the ovary. For about 2 weeks, this ruptured follicle transforms into the corpus luteum, which is what release progesterone. The combination of the two hormones (progesterone and estrogen) maintains the thickened lining of the uterus, waiting for a fertilised egg to stick. If a fertilized egg inserts the lining of the uterus, then it produces a specific hormone that is detected in urine. If a fertilized egg does not enter the uterus, the corpus luteum will die around day 22.

Moon Phases and Menstruation

I, personally, have always been insanely connected to the moon and its phases. After doing some research and listening to the Balanced Black Girl podcast, I understand more as to why that is. Typically, the moon phases and the menstruation phases correlate.

New Moon — Menstruation

Waxing Moon — Follicular

Full Moon — Ovulation

Waning Moon — Luteal

This does not mean your cycle will align with these moon phases. It mainly focuses on the energy associated with each moon phase and the specific menstruation phase. A menstrual cycle is a cycle of nature. To be more connected to nature is to be more connected to your body.

Self Love vs. Selfishness

How we feel about ourselves influences every part of our lives. For instance, our relationships, occupations, our daily moods, and how we treat others are just a few different aspects of our lives that are affected by how we feel.

Self love is all about attending to ourselves and our needs. Self love is being kind to ourselves and believing in our abilities. However, there is a fine line between self love and selfishness. Self love should not come at the expense of other’s preferences. Once we begin to only think about ourselves and become insensitive toward others, then that is considered being selfish.

So, how can we tell the difference between self love and selfishness?

Self Love

empathetic
compassionate
understanding
modest
self-effacing
mild-tempered
open-minded
unconditional love

Selfishness

indifferent
no care for others
misunderstanding
unresolved needs
narcissistic
turbulent
manipulative
conditional love

Those are just a few characteristics of each. Of course more can be added to each list. However, I hope this was helpful and allows you to have a better understanding of the difference between the two.

Let Go of People Pleasing

Women are socialized to be nurturers and care givers. However, being a people pleaser can be detrimental and it is important to recognize when it is becoming a detriment to you and others.

Tiffany Hall has categorized people pleasers into 4 different categories:

Fixer – need to be needed – constantly being of service – neglect themselves and have guilt for caring for themselves
Perfectionist – need for everything surrounding them to be perfect
Overachiever – obtain accomplishments to feel worthy
Peace Keeper – tries to keep the peace between everyone

Find out your people pleasing personality type here!

Advice for People Pleasers

Find Harmony and Balance amongst the many different hats you wear
Take care of yourself before you pour into others
Establish boundaries
Beware of the content you are consuming (social media)
Do not feel guilty or shameful for putting a stop to people pleasing
Steer clear of narcissist because they latch on to people pleasers

Information gathered from the Balanced Black Girl podcast